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James Bond Jokes

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  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    edited October 2015 Posts: 3,000
    One they get to the DAD pirate DVD at 14:04, hilarity ensues;
  • Master_DaharkMaster_Dahark
    edited October 2015 Posts: 4,813
    Accidental double post, sorry!
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    Posts: 3,000
    Sean Connery Setting His Password

    WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

    Connery: cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password must be more than eight characters

    Connery: boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password must contain one numerical number

    Connery: 1 boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password cannot have blank spaces

    Connery: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: The password must contain at least one upper case character

    Connery: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: The password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively

    Connery: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

    WINDOWS: The password cannot contain punctuation

    Connery: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccesNow

    WINDOWS: That password is already in use
  • Thunderball007Thunderball007 United States
    Posts: 306
    Master_Dahark wrote: »
    lol OK I've got one- just came up with it:<br />
    <br />
    <br />
    I was walking through a crowded street and this woman shoves past me. I say to myself, 'well that was pushy...'<br />
    <br />
    Then 'Connery Bond' taps my shoulder and says with a hint of excitement in his voice: 'Did someone say PUSHY??'


    Omg! LOL!!!
    =))
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy My Secret Lair
    Posts: 13,385
    :)) Some great jokes, plenty of laughs. :))
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy My Secret Lair
    Posts: 13,385
    Time for an awful one .........
    What sort of loan does Bond get ?
    A Trigger Mortgage.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    BMW_with_missiles wrote: »
    Sean Connery Setting His Password

    WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

    Connery: cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password must be more than eight characters

    Connery: boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password must contain one numerical number

    Connery: 1 boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: The password cannot have blank spaces

    Connery: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: The password must contain at least one upper case character

    Connery: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: The password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively

    Connery: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

    WINDOWS: The password cannot contain punctuation

    Connery: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccesNow

    WINDOWS: That password is already in use

    This is the best one yet.
  • WillyGaloreWillyGalore
    Posts: 6,396
    It's an old one but:

    Patient: Doctor, Doctor. Can you tell me a James Bond joke?
    Doctor: No.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Here is the best james Bond joke of all.74663.jpg
  • WillyGaloreWillyGalore
    Posts: 6,396
    =))
  • mepal1mepal1
    edited October 2015 Posts: 1,098
    Dont post that image and joke at DCINB................. =))
  • jobojobo
    Posts: 7,507
    mepal1 wrote: »
    Dont post that image and joke at DCINB................. =))


    Yes! Please do! :D

  • ClarkDevlinClarkDevlin Martinis, Girls and Guns
    Posts: 15,423
    Some people have too much time on their hands. ;)
  • AceHoleAceHole Belgium, via Britain
    Posts: 1,732
    For any other science buffs...

    "The name's Bond. Ionic Bond... Taken, not shared."
  • Master_DaharkMaster_Dahark
    Posts: 4,813
    I suppose this can go here, since Cracked.com is primarily a humor website. Bond got his own article this morning! Pretty funny and brings up some valid points.
    They even have a picture of Moore kicking the car off the cliff from FYEO and the caption says 'Buckle up.' I kind of like that- they should have used it

    http://www.cracked.com/article_21534_7-disturbing-scenes-that-prove-james-bond-psychopath_p1.html =))
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Ha ha.

    "Oh no, my moleshting arm!"
  • bigladiesmanbigladiesman
    edited October 2015 Posts: 1,009
    155628_v1.jpg

    "After having its plans fooled by Bond SPECTRE ceases operations for good. Here, its last remaining operatives surrender to the Gendarmerie on 136 Haussmann Boulevard, Paris"
  • BMW_with_missilesBMW_with_missiles All the usual refinements.
    Posts: 3,000
    A hilarious spoof of a Wikipedia article about Bond. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/James_Bond_(character)
  • BondStuBondStu Moonraker 6
    Posts: 373
    Guy goes up to a woman in a bar. Says "Hi, my name's Bond".
    She says "Let me guess, James Bond right?"
    He says "No. Unibond. I'm going to fill your crack!"
  • BondStuBondStu Moonraker 6
    Posts: 373
    ... and needless to say Sean Connery never ordered satin pants over the phone again!
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    James Bond walks into a bar
    bara broccoli
    000ef6b8-500.jpg
  • M_BaljeM_Balje Amsterdam, Netherlands
    Posts: 4,558
    In 1998 there discover a Short movie that was made when there filming Diamonds Are Forever: How Sean Connery drinks Dutch coffee what is English/Dutch title of that short ?
    THE MOK

    3033708_0

  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    M_Balje wrote: »
    In 1998 there discover a Short movie that was made when there filming Diamonds Are Forever: How Sean Connery drinks Dutch coffee what is English/Dutch title of that short ?
    THE MOK

    3033708_0

    tenor.gif
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Whenever Dr Kaufmann was around, Carver and Gupta would make fun, and tell WW2 and Hitler jokes on his behalf, until Kaufmann one day got fed up, and yelled:
    "SHUT UP! You know notzing about me or my femily! My father ectually died in a conzentration camp!"
    R.4b67f1c4be4fab67b87a9db1653174f8?rik=VxSsPSc5qqRGMQ&riu=http%3a%2f%2fwww.postavy.cz%2ffoto%2f95775-kaufman-foto.jpg&ehk=%2fniBQVoiF18zYeP4L6Gn5FSEQxoNBvni0UBWo5gaSnk%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw&r=0

    Carver and Gupta grew pale with shame and embarrassment, until Kaufmann added:
    "He fell down from ze watchtower."
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    Posts: 14,836
    Why doesn't Bond fart in bed?

    Because he'll blow his cover.
  • ByRoyalDecreeByRoyalDecree
    Posts: 784
    QBranch wrote: »
    Why doesn't Bond fart in bed?

    Because he'll blow his cover.

    Lmao
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    Posts: 14,836
    Why did Ruby Bartlett cross the road?
    To get away from the chicken.

    Why did Diana Rigg cross the road?
    To get away from George.
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