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The long awaited second draft...thanks again for your interest "Scarred" version2
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/89732916/scarred draft2.pdf
So here is the second (and perhaps final) version. I have taken all of your comments on board. I have to admit that I cant promise it's perfect re the spelling but that part is so dull compared to story, character etc. To be honest, the changes are not massive but they are all based on your collective feedback. Everyone seemed to accept/enjoy the basic plot/premise so no need for a major re-write. (I do like the new scene re M briefing Bond at Lords)
If you read the first version, you may not want to bother with this but it is an improvement IMHO and still grateful for feedback from any forum members. I am not convinced re the title so would also enjoy your thoughts on possible alternatives?
"Skin Deep"
"The Bullet and the Blade"
"Rest for the Wicked"
Now working on the basic outline for the follow up where Hans seeks revenge and we learn more about "Limo Woman" and SPECTRE.
So here is the second (and perhaps final) version. I have taken all of your comments on board. I have to admit that I cant promise it's perfect re the spelling but that part is so dull compared to story, character etc. To be honest, the changes are not massive but they are all based on your collective feedback. Everyone seemed to accept/enjoy the basic plot/premise so no need for a major re-write. (I do like the new scene re M briefing Bond at Lords)
If you read the first version, you may not want to bother with this but it is an improvement IMHO and still grateful for feedback from any forum members. I am not convinced re the title so would also enjoy your thoughts on possible alternatives?
"Skin Deep"
"The Bullet and the Blade"
"Rest for the Wicked"
Now working on the basic outline for the follow up where Hans seeks revenge and we learn more about "Limo Woman" and SPECTRE.
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Comments
- I really enjoyed the new scene with M at the cricket match. Definitely had a '60s/'70s Bond-meeting-with-Bernard-Lee's-M feel.
- This is kind of a pet peeve of mine: On page 44 of the script, Kessler says "for all intense and purposes"--the correct phrase is "all intents and purposes." ;)
- One thing I noticed when re-reading the script is that Craig's Bond speaks in very short, one sentence lines in almost every exchange throughout the screenplay. Was this intentional or coincidental?
Did you make any other obvious changes? I'm sorry if there are others I missed.
Glad you enjoyed the scene with M, this is the most obvious change. I thought being breifed in M's office was a little lazy and it also removed the Bond/Moneypenny banter which some reviewers were not keen on and I could see what they meant. It also gave us a glimpse into the new M's social life so it developed the character a little
I did go for a more "closed", terse version of Bond, I wanted this to reflect his thoughts on the mission and then his thoughts on how he was handled it by M, I may have over done it, (we will open up more in reaction to what happens with Anne in the next screenplay)
The girl he met at the cafe at the beginning now texts him during the final scene, it is meant as a symbolic reminder (at a time when he is offered retirement) of the fringe benefits that come with the role and he can't help himself (he said to Kessler "I'm always tempted") and she will return in the next movie, (as a kind of Siliva Trench bold girl),
and Limo man becomes limo woman (we are overdue for a female baddie) and begins to introduce Hans to the culture of her orgnaisation ("we are one big family") as she suspects all is not well with Kesslers plan and Hans could be a useful contact.
The subtle changes will mean more in hindsight when I publish the next screenplay.
What writing this screenplay has shown to me is the advantage of writing one and considering how the second will connect. It offers massive opportunities to have a more immersive and connected plot and character developement and it amazes me that this has never been done with EON.
All in all, nice improvements!
When he receives the txt,:
For a moment, he surveys the scene. Mothers walking with prams, screams of joy from a playground and boys playing football. The moment is interrupted as his phone vibrates. He pulls it from his jacket and reads a text message.
“THE WICKED DESERVE A REST”.
He gently smiles and replaces the phone in his jacket. He looks over to his right and sees M walking towards him.
so its up to the audience to make the connection. And if they dont, she will appear very early in the next screenplay so the connection will be obvious at the point.
It would also be cool if you wrote out a description of the titles sequence.
The movie was written to carry over from SF so the main cast are all in place:
Kessler.. M Fassbender (good looking, cruel streak etc)
Limo Woman.. Tilda Swinton
Anne.. no idea but in my head, I had Marie Fredriksson (in her 30s)
from Roxette. Very strong looking, almost masculine if that
makes sense, sort of like Annie Lennox back in the 80s
Block.. in my head I had the 80s version of Dolph Lundgren (Rocky4)
Harry.. John Tomson (great character actor)
Prof Hurst.. Emelia Fox (mature enough and very English to fit with the
Cambridge University back drop)
No idea re the title sequence but something I had though of was that, as it developed, a knife balde appeared seemingly from behind the screen and made a series of cuts to the screen and blood oozed out so by the end of the sequence, it looked like the screen itself as badly scarred and bleeding to death, in tatters.
I had even thought about the poster and had in my mind a painted style like YOLT era with the Gazzelle banking sharply turning away with Bond standing on the landing skid looking back at the viewer and he is aiming the flare gun directly at the viewer in classic bond style and then around the corners of the poster, we get other scenes from the movie (Le Mans Race etc)
Any contemporary actor ideas for Anne or Block?
For Anne, perhaps Elodie Yung from Daredevil? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Élodie_Yung
First off, well done for completing it! I am currently finding out how hard it is to complete a script. And your script holds together really well structurally which is no mean feat. Below are some more specific comments:
I really liked the twist with the formula not being real. It was clever and not expected.
I also really liked the follow up conversation with M that followed, I think the best scene in the script.
I like the homage to the Octopussy auction scene.
Le Mans is a great idea, would like to see you write a more detailed sequence in your script.
M at Lords is actually something I have thought about before, so I enjoyed that.
On the whole I thought your dialogue was solid but not spectacular. Parts of it were very good, I liked the dialogue with Moneypenny, the sister line was great. As you are interested in screenwriting, I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Constructing-Dialogue-Mark-Axelrod/dp/1441108513
Whilst Harry was an interesting character, I’m not sure I could see him in a Bond film personally. Having said that its fresh and it might work!
Personally I felt Professor Hurst went to bed far too easily… There is a saying about Dialouge… enter late and leave early. I think the same with relationships, sometimes it’s better to come into a situation half way through, and then you don’t have to write the awkward hook up lines. This is my personal opinion, probably because I find it hard to write those kind of scenes. So one option would have been to have Bond already have a relationship with the Professor (Like Paris in TND or perhaps more like Dr Warmflesh from TWINE).
Finally, lots of people set out to finish off their scripts but never get there, so again I salute you for your effort. Hopefully I will soon be able to finish mine!
Just picked these comments up, many thanks, looking forward to reading your screenplay
I’ve focused more on criticism – I don’t know why – maybe because it takes longer to explain and make recommendations for changes. Anyway, I know you’re used to critique and you know how to take it the right way. So let’s get on with it, shall we. :)
First up…
HIGHLIGHTS
To me, the screenplay had three high points, where I was completely engaged and finding great enjoyment:
1) The auction & car race. This is REALLY good and needs to appear in a Bond film sometime.
2) Return of Felix. The chopper meeting the submarine was a “wow” moment for me, and Felix appearing on the sub reminded me of M appearing in makeshift offices around the world in the old films. I also loved seeing Bond addressed as Commander and in a Naval setting.
3) The ending scene. The alcohol/cigarette gift (might be even better if you include some lines b/w Bond and Anne early on about how Bond had to give up smoking when he was promoted to 00)… “It’s too late for me”… And Bond asking for his 300 pounds back is funny. Bond meeting his boss on a park bench is classic “spy” stuff, too. It’s a warm way to end the film and gives us a little peek into Bond’s psyche.
Other good stuff:
- Bond using his climbing/rappelling skills at car crash site.
- Bond/M at Lords.
- Ferry scene w/ Moneypenny – she is clever. Bond eating scrambled eggs is a nice detail.
- The water explosive plot was interesting and fresh.
- Bond’s evasion of the drone missile was exciting.
- Kessler telling Hans to kill Bond, and Limo Woman talking to Hans about family. Creepy. I wanted to see more of Hans… I see he will be in the sequel too, but it would be good to see him again at the end of the first one as well.
- The “no explosive” reveal was surprising. The water explosive felt more outlandish than plots of the other Craig films, and doing a fake-out was a good way of integrating a more outlandish idea into a Craig film.
STORY CRITIQUE
- I thought the woman in the PTS who was bleeding had died – not sure if this was meant to be ambiguous – so I was pretty confused when we learned the woman was Anne. From the way it was written, I was 100% sure the PTS woman had died.
- I noticed the film starts with civilians at a café, then we see Bond (seemingly) on vacation meeting Q at a café, then after the titles we again see civilians on vacation, and then Bond on vacation at a café again. These sequences were repetitive – too many cafes, too many vacations, too many civilians. We don’t see this sort of stuff in a Bond film often, so it felt fresh... but too much of it and I felt a lack of urgency to the story.
- I feel like we’re missing something when Bond gets knocked out and then wakes up in hospital with Moneypenny at his side. We learn later why Kessler didn’t have Bond killed, but in the meantime, Bond doesn’t seem to question why he wasn’t killed or captured. We need something to make these events feel plausible until the explanation later.
- Could more be done with the false water explosive? There’s a lot of unexplored potential here – think of all the places water is found. Maybe a major set piece involving a tank of water at the chateau (before the fake-out is revealed)? Or a “torture” sequence where someone is covered in the explosive or has ingested the explosive, and Kessler bluffs about his ability to set off the explosive? I really liked Kessler giving Bond a glass of water, it’s amusing how the gesture suddenly seems threatening. But it didn’t play out very well, IMO: Bond smells the water, knowing the explosive is odourless, and then drinks the water anyway – this is foolish of him. Perhaps Kessler could offer Bond a plain bourbon instead, Bond drinks it unthinkingly, and then Kessler begins bluffing about Bond ingesting an explosive. Would feel tense and disturbing – an explosive inside Bond – and could end with Bond inducing vomiting after he escapes Kessler. Or have Kessler invite Bond to dinner, where Bond refuses a glass of water and reveals he knows about the explosive, then have Kessler throw the glass of water in Bond’s face? Maybe I’m stretching this too far, but you’ve got lots of options.
GIRLS AND VILLAINS CRITIQUE
- Block lacks memorability, needs a unique selling point (I saw other members mentioned this, too).
- The rapport between Bond and Prof moves too quickly and feels like a Moore/Brosnan film (other members mentioned this, too).
- p. 49: Anne in the desert with Bond, talking about her scars, is very well written, but the situation is overly reminiscent of Camille talking about her scars while stranded in the desert in QoS. So is her personal connection to the villain.
- p. 59: Why does Kessler have the ability to “click” onto nearby airplanes, and why does he suggest destroying them (“boom”)? Can he do this remotely, or is he just trying to make a point about the power of his water explosive? None of this seemed relevant to the character and felt overly reminiscent of Silva (same with Kessler’s references to “toys”).
- Sadly, Kessler didn’t leave much of an impression after the Le Mans sequence. He speaks really casually, and references to Santa Claus and video games make him not very menacing. I think his dialogue could use a rewrite, give him a different voice.
BOND CHARACTER CRITIQUE
- It doesn’t seem like Bond to give his cell number to a random civilian – I feel like this borders on a security risk. Instead, could the woman slip Bond a paper with her number on it? Then Bond could pull the paper out at film’s end and text her. This way, his decision to contact her will feel less passive, too. Like texting her is something he needs to mull over and does only once the mission is over. (Incidentally, I didn’t catch the “Wicked deserve a rest” callback to the redhead – didn’t make the connection. I only figured out what was happening by reading your Draft 2 thread. On first read, I assumed it was M texting Bond to meet.)
- p. 73 (middle of climax) seems like the wrong time for Bond to be “furious with rage” about M misleading him. I don’t know how this would be shown in a clear way, and Bond shouldn’t lose his cool in the middle of a mission. This idea would be more interesting if it was addressed for the first and last time in the ending scene with M.
- “For Harry” didn’t work, IMO… I didn’t get the sense Bond cared about the guy. Bond nearly tortured him earlier!
MAJOR CRITICISMS
Lastly, I will cap this off with my two major criticisms (these might sound overly harsh, so steel yourself if needed):
1) The PTS. Threw me off the whole screenplay immediately. The 2005 opening was good – it felt purposeful, succinct, low-key but also exciting and grizzly, its own little story. But then the Australia part was completely unrelated, like you’ve got two cold opens side-by-side. And lots of little things bugged me. Seeing Bond engaged in a sex act (reminds of DAD)… “I’ve always enjoyed going down under,” a Brosnan era groaner… Bond ogling women in bikinis… Bond weirdly saying “Whatever turns you on” to Q. (I’ve just noticed all these moments have something to do with sex – I don’t mind Bond being sexual, but it shouldn’t feel crass or obvious.) As a side note, I did enjoy the references to Q’s pajamas and his flowery sun shirt – the latter reminded me of Q in TB.
And then the action was really strange. Bond rescuing a child from drowning felt like Superman rescuing a kitten from a tree – really out of place in a Bond film. And the combo of the helicopter, Bond beating up a shark, and the explosion on the water reminded me of Batman fighting off a shark in the ‘60s Batman movie (sorry!).
There’s nothing here you don’t improve on later (your drone/heli action is far better than the PTS heli action, and the relationship with Prof Hurst is far better than the PTS relationship). I would suggest a complete overhaul of the PTS – give Bond something different to do, try to write a stone cold classic opening that audiences will remember for years (think TSWLM). Easier said than done, I know – there’s a lot of pressure writing a Bond PTS, because they’re all so impressive. Or just leave the PTS set in 2005, beef it up a bit, and don’t have Bond appear.
2) Chateau raid. I really liked how you held back on revealing M’s plan for dealing with Kessler – we would learn the plan as it was executed. But I was expecting something a bit more strategic than just storming the castle! In OHMSS, Bond storming Piz Gloria feels earned, he needs to rescue Tracy and he has to destroy the facility to stop Blofeld’s plan. Here, the mission is simply to assassinate Kessler? And did Kessler have no contingency plan or fail-safe in the event Bond/MI6 didn’t cooperate with his demands? I feel like there should be some roadblock in the way of Bond's success here, he wins too easily and Kessler doesn't come out looking very competent.
I was also waiting for a “wow” moment in the climax, but nothing came. The chateau raid is big, but there’s nothing unexpected about it, and I wanted some kind of impressive visual or stunt to cap off the film. Again, I would suggest some kind of set piece involving the water explosive (before Bond learns the explosive is nonfunctional).
______________
I hope you find this feedback useful. Thanks for sharing your screenplay – I enjoyed it once it got rolling. You’ve got some brilliant scenes, a great plot idea and you seem to really “get” the Bond character. Good stuff, well done.