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Top jokes from the uk

forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
edited August 2012 in General Discussion Posts: 2,782
Just to lighten the mood now and again, here is a list of the top ten jokes from the Edinburgh festival this year. Can u add any to the list from time to time? Of course we want Bond ones and ones Bond would say.


The top jokes were:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
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Comments

  • Alan007Alan007
    Posts: 406
    I like number 8 the rest are rubbish
  • 0BradyM0Bondfanatic70BradyM0Bondfanatic7 Quantum Floral Arrangements: "We Have Petals Everywhere"
    Posts: 28,694
    Most are just kids jokes, nothing clever.
  • RC7RC7
    Posts: 10,512
    This isn't comedy.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443
  • SaintMarkSaintMark
    Posts: 7,653
    Thanks that was enjoyable.

    Ignore the complaining it is more of a rule than exception unless you are talking TDKR or DC. :D
  • GerardGerard
    Posts: 5,993
    Winston Churchill: "The young sow wild oats, the old grows sage".
  • myworldisenoughmyworldisenough
    Posts: 1,143
    Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes.
  • oo7oo7
    Posts: 1,068
    myworldisenough wrote:
    Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes.

    Fucking%2Bloled%2B_f1cb3213249c849827956a72442401f6.gif
  • thelivingroyalethelivingroyale
    Posts: 12,837
    My uncle was a hypnotist who NEVER INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHED ME :|
  • largo2largo2
    Posts: 469
    what goes cliperty clop cliperty clop bang cliperty clop cliperty clop -
    a Armish drive by shooting
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    edited September 2012 Posts: 2,782
    largo2 wrote:
    what goes cliperty clop cliperty clop bang cliperty clop cliperty clop -
    a Armish drive by shooting

    ha ha ha ha ha ha


    Me and the missus went to a restaurant last
    night. Some of the other diners called me
    "paedo" and "cradle snatcher". All because
    I'm 52 and she's 21...

    Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.


    bad taste joke here:
    Q. How will Neil Armstrong's coffin be carried?
    A. Small steps, four men.


  • SaintMarkSaintMark
    Posts: 7,653
    A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

    The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! You’re Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


    ''You got Male"
  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    My brother is an avid fan of the Jack Reacher books so when we were confronted by five guys outside the pub, he said to me, "Just stay there... I'll handle this in the same way Jack would."

    A few minutes later as I was calling the ambulance, I looked down at him and said, "Nice one Mike. I've read a few of those books myself, but I must have missed the one where Jack shit's himself in terror and cries like a girl.

  • mirandafrostmirandafrost
    Posts: 368
    "Daddy, Daddy, what's a vampire?" "Be quiet, son, and drink your blood."
  • GerardGerard
    Posts: 5,993
    mirandafrost wrote:
    "Daddy, Daddy, what's a vampire?" "Be quiet, son, and drink your blood."

    I know that joke but with a different punchline : "Eat your soup before it coagulates."

  • mirandafrostmirandafrost
    Posts: 368
    Why does a blonde take a car door into the desert?
    Because so she can open the window when it's to hot for her.
  • LudovicoLudovico
    Posts: 15,116
    This is a Christmas joke, but I might as well put it here:

    -They tried to do a Nativity play in Liverpool, but it did not work out: they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked .

    What's worse than reading on Facebook that one of your friends has just had a shit? Following the link to their Instagram page.
  • GerardGerard
    edited April 2014 Posts: 5,993
    A political one :

    Why shouldn't Britons vote for the UKIP ?

    Because they're saying De Gaulle was right.

    ILW3854

    What's the difference between Marion Cotillard and the French rugby team ?

    In 2007, Marion Cotillard won the Grand Slam.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782

    What's E.T. short for?

    Because he's got little legs.



    My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
    When I was little he used to put his
    hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    When James Bond came to Bangladesh
    James Bond is a stylish hero you know. Whenever people ask him of his name, he answers in his own branded style - "Bond, James Bond". Last year Bond came to Bangladesh for a quick visit. In Noakhali Swimming Complex, he met Pasha.
    Pasha asked:
    Hey, what's you name?
    James Bond replied:
    Bond
    James Bond.
    Then Bond asked Pasha the same: And what's yours?
    Pasha replied:
    Pasha
    Choudhury Pasha
    Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
    Abul Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha.
    From that day on, whenever people ask Bond of his name, he simply replies James Bond.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    A woman goes to the gynecologist,and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"

    The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."


    Have you heard the one about the gay cowboy...



























    He rode into town and shot up the Sheriff...
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    Seven dwarfs are all in the bath feeling happy.


    Happy gets out and they all feel grumpy.
  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    My therapist wanted to sit down with me and talk about my obsession with James Bond.

    "You expect me to talk....?" I said.

    The next James Bond film is all about 007's battle with alcoholism. It's called Skinful.

    I was a secret agent for the MI5 until my boss just phoned me to say i'm been sacked for using Facebook! Gutted! I just don't understand!!! - at Metropol Hotel, Moscow with James Bond and 3 others.



  • mirandafrostmirandafrost
    Posts: 368
    valentinzukovsky wrote:
    My therapist wanted to sit down with me and talk about my obsession with James Bond.
    "You expect me to talk....?" I said.
    Haha, this one is just grrrreat! :D
  • PurplecipherPurplecipher
    Posts: 53
    Q: What goes quack quack quack?
    A: Jonathan Ross describing his crazy paving.
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    quote - 'you must excuse me not being english, sometimes I find your sense of humor a little difficult to follow'
  • MayDayDiVicenzoMayDayDiVicenzo Here and there
    edited May 2014 Posts: 5,080
    Baltimore_007 wrote:
    quote - 'you must excuse me not being english, sometimes I find your sense of humor a little difficult to follow'

    Trust me, being British, I do too!
  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    A guy is walking through a park in Edinburgh when he meets his mate with a new dog.

    "Hey Dave! Where did you get the dog?"
    "I found it wandering around the park".

    The guy notices a name and address on the dog's collar.

    "Dave! This is Sean Connery's dog!!"
    "Shit!"

    The dog sat down.

  • WillyGaloreWillyGalore
    Posts: 6,396
    Did you hear the one about Liverpool winning the league title?

    No, me neither! ;-)
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