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Build A Bond Punchline

JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
edited November 2012 in Fan Creations Posts: 5,745
How about we all go around a write out some great Bond 'one-liners'. My favorites are the double-entendre.

Please provide only a small exposition and the line, not a lengthy set up.


A few I've thought of:

An enemy finds one of Bond's pressure sensitive grenades and he remarks, "Don't hold it against me." B-)

M is mad at Bond for running over a suspect, and he remarks, "I was only trying to run him down." B-)

A villain says "I'm only trying to do good through all this hard work!" and Bond remarks, "And more lies ahead." B-)

A villain is out to kill all obese people and Bond remarks "I think you need a larger test group." B-)

^The same villain dies by being cut in half (somehow) and Bond remarks "His diet split his weight in half!" B-)

Bond to a woman at a auction "We agreed on $1,000,000 precisely, no more." and she responds "I like a man who appreciates a fine figure." B-)



Moneypenny asks James "When are you going to finally hang up your gun and settle down?" and Bond replies "I haven't found a rack big enough." B-)

Bond asks Moneypenny what her plans are tonight, and she says "The weather report promises 8 inches tonight." Bond, smug, raises his eyebrow. :>

Okay that's enough for now.
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Comments

  • X3MSonicXX3MSonicX https://www.behance.net/gallery/86760163/Fa-Posteres-de-007-No-Time-To-Die
    Posts: 2,635
    Haha, nice ones, Jwest! :D Mainly the diet one.
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    Posts: 2,629
    Villian's girlfriend: "It's going to be hard to kill him Mr. Bond".

    Bond: "Yes, it is hard at the moment".

    and

    Bond: "I smell a gas leak".

    Jinx: "Sorry".
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    edited November 2012 Posts: 14,673
    While we're on DAD:

    ICELAND

    (Bond rocks up at Graves' ice palace in the Vanquish, and as he opens the door to get out...)

    Mr. Kil: "I'm Mr. Kil."

    (Bond pulls out a silenced P99, drops Mr. Kil, and heads into the party)

    Bond: "Funny, that's what I named my defence mechanism."
  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    edited November 2012 Posts: 5,745
    Kerim wrote:
    Bond: "I smell a gas leak".

    Jinx: "Sorry".

    =))
    QBranch wrote:
    While we're on DAD:

    ICELAND

    I like the exposition. Haha
  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    Posts: 5,745
    BUMP

    I want MOAR!
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    edited November 2012 Posts: 2,629
    OK, let's see:

    GL: "I feel a stiffness coming on".

    The Next Day, after GL sees Bunt in bed.

    Bunt: "Bet you don't have a stiffness now Mr. Bond".

    and

    "My name is Pussy Galore".
    Bond: "You're all wet".





  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    Posts: 5,745
    Bond and Silva are out having a game of golf.
    Silva swings and Bond remarks, "You have a hard drive, Mr. Silva." /:)

  • MurdockMurdock The minus world
    Posts: 16,358
    Zao: I am Zao, you are late.

    Bond: Now that's a name to die for.

    Kil. I'm Mr. Kil.

    Bond: I think we've met. ;)

    Yeah this is lame but I tried. :))
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    On the golf issue -

    Silva - "How many holes have you got into Mister Bond"

    Bond - (insert your own joke here)
  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    Posts: 5,745
    Baltimore_007 wrote:
    On the golf issue -

    Silva - "How many holes have you got into Mister Bond"

    Bond - ^#(^
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    Silva - "How many holes have you got into Mr Bond"

    Bond (Brosnan) - "I suppose that would depend on your defintion of safe holes"

    (I'm not too good with the humor)
  • MurdockMurdock The minus world
    Posts: 16,358
    Okay Another one.

    I'm Mr. Kil.
    (Craig's Bond.) *shoots him.* And you've just been Killed.
    tumblr_mbigft2EFN1r2kh6yo4_1280.jpg
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    I don't know where this will end but I think I got the idea of this now..

    Bond gets into bed with random Bond girl..

    (Bond) 'Before we start, we were never properly introduced, the name's Bond - James Bond..'

    (Girl) - 'My name is Lorena Bobbitt, and I .... '
  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    Posts: 5,745
    Baltimore_007 wrote:
    I don't know where this will end but I think I got the idea of this now..

    Bond gets into bed with random Bond girl..

    (Bond) 'Before we start, we were never properly introduced, the name's Bond - James Bond..'

    (Girl) - 'My name is Lorena Bobbitt, and I .... '

    Bond - "I'm afraid you didn't make the cut"

    Haha brilliant @Baltimore.
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    I think I can do one better -

    (Bobbitt cuts off James Bond's penis)

    Frederick Gray - "Bobbitt ! What do you think you're doing ?"

    Bond - "She's just cutting the British end off Sir"

    (I do really have to stop with these)
  • JWESTBROOKJWESTBROOK
    Posts: 5,745
    Baltimore_007 wrote:
    I think I can do one better -

    (Bobbitt cuts off James Bond's penis)

    Frederick Gray - "Bobbitt ! What do you think you're doing ?"

    Bond - "She's just cutting the British end off Sir"

    (I do really have to stop with these)

    What's great about these is knowing all the people who don't know who Bobbitt is will read these and be really freaked out.
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    Posts: 2,629
    Baltimore_007 wrote:
    I don't know where this will end but I think I got the idea of this now..

    Bond gets into bed with random Bond girl..

    (Bond) 'Before we start, we were never properly introduced, the name's Bond - James Bond..'

    (Girl) - 'My name is Lorena Bobbitt, and I .... '

    "will remove that which you don't seem to value".

    or

    Bond interupts: "Now the whole world is going to know you died scratching my balls.
  • Baltimore_007Baltimore_007
    Posts: 5,634
    How could anybody not know who Lorena Bobbitt is ?

    Ok, for those in the dark, she will be the next Bond girl..

    The entrance price at theaters will be a snip..
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    edited December 2012 Posts: 14,673
    Fiona Volpe - "You made a shocking mess out of my hair, you sadistic brute."

    Bond - "Yesh, but my technique is still neat." B-)
  • X3MSonicXX3MSonicX https://www.behance.net/gallery/86760163/Fa-Posteres-de-007-No-Time-To-Die
    edited November 2012 Posts: 2,635
    I'm not good with humor but here's my attempt:

    (Bond had just rescued the good girl)

    BG: Thank you for saving me, James!

    007: Thank you? To hell with it, you own me 5 dollars for that!
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    Posts: 2,629
    Scaramanga: "I like a girl in a bikini. No concealed weapons".

    Bond: "You'd be surprised at what she could conceal Mr. Scaramanga".
  • myworldisenoughmyworldisenough
    Posts: 1,143
    Honey Rider to Bond, "does my bum look big in this bikini?"

    Bond looks her up and down and replies, "Prehaps, I guess I'm going to have to lick you into shape!"
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    Posts: 14,673
    Honey: "You won't steal my shells, will you?"

    Bond: "My dear girl, you speak as though I had a reputation for snatching clam."
  • Creasy47Creasy47 In Cuba with Natalya.Moderator
    Posts: 41,011
    Some of these make me think of those super corny David Caruso one liners from 'CSI: Miami.'

    M: "Bond, 003 was found dead in a freezer in a slaughterhouse."
    Bond: "It looks like this is going to be one cold case."
  • QBranchQBranch Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
    Posts: 14,673
    :)) good one. The cornier the better, I say.
  • Creasy47Creasy47 In Cuba with Natalya.Moderator
    Posts: 41,011
    M: "Bond, the villain went mad on his luxurious yacht and ate the crew members."
    Bond: "Well I suppose he really loves the taste of seamen."
  • MurdockMurdock The minus world
    Posts: 16,358
    Bond drops Blofeld down the smoke stack.

    Looks like he had to blow off some steam! =))
  • Creasy47Creasy47 In Cuba with Natalya.Moderator
    edited May 2014 Posts: 41,011
    M: "Bond, I heard Blofeld sprayed Windex into your eyes to escape. Is this true?"
    Bond: "It is, he was trying to make...a clean getaway."

    Bond: "I know who was in this hotel room: Will Smith."
    Bond Girl: "How do you know that?"
    Bond: "Because he left fresh prints."
  • linglingqilinglingqi
    Posts: 51
    Murdock wrote:
    Zao: I am Zao, you are late.

    Bond: Now that's a name to die for.

    This was funny, because zao means 'early' in Chinese :P
  • Creasy47Creasy47 In Cuba with Natalya.Moderator
    Posts: 41,011
    M: "Bond, make your way to the mall, the bad guys slaughtered a lot of innocent people there. It's a massacre."
    Bond: "They must've had some killer prices."
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