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The James Bond Limerick Thread

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  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Fits better in my haiku thread.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    I just found this thread for the first time. Actually, in 2014 we did something like that on the late IMDb James Bond board as well. We tried to go through the series film by film and failed somewhere in the Seventies), and I trust since you're a mostly different crowd (except for the other IMDb refugees) you may enjoy some of mine.

    Not all of it is limericks. @Thunderfinger, FRWL will be treated in your haiku thread within the next few minutes.

    Here's my collection of

    3 DR NO LIMERICKS + ONE SHORT POEM

    There was a professor called Dent
    Whom Dr. No callously sent
    To render Bond dead
    But it was his own head
    In which the bullets were spent.

    The fisherman Quarrel heard news
    He had to give James Bond his dues
    But instead of adventure
    It felt like indenture
    He ended up picking up shoes.

    Soon after that bout with a spider
    James Bond came across Honey Ryder
    She rose from the sea
    And sang “Mango Tree”
    And Bond wished he were an insider.

    Jamaica’s British station head
    Was killed by three blind mice
    So M said, “Bond, Strangways is dead
    And I don’t think that’s nice
    Investigate what happened there
    And also, by the way
    Leave your Beretta on the chair
    And take this PPK.”
    (This last one was actually to be just the start of the entire Dr. No Saga in rhymes, but it never came about)


  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    THE CENTRAL QUESTION OF OHMSS

    Does anyone think Bond's research
    In Blofeld's Alpine summit perch
    Would have turned out less stressful
    And far more successful
    Had he known about Ste. Anna's Church?
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    That s great!
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    Now the following I'm particularly proud of :-). It's just no limerick, but I take the liberty to post it here rather than open a separate...JAMES BOND SONNET thread (I promise it's the only one, and I don't think I'll find more poems from those days):


    SONNET VIII

    I wished that San Monique were just an island fair
    Abundant flora on its golden shores!
    Alas, it also hides a dreaded gangster's lair
    And fuels Mr. Big's narcotics wars.

    The crim'nal has a superstition for Tarot
    And thinks his fortune Solitaire doth tell
    Until unfortunately he fin'lly gets to know
    That she succumbed to Agent James Bond's spell.

    He's seen enough! And has his goons put her away
    To be the victim of an ancient voodoo rite
    But she would live to die another day
    Since Bond arrives in time to save the night.

    The island thus becomes the rare case of a nation
    That turns out saved, instead of ravaged, by inflation.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    Apologies for reverting to this, but I found a couple of attempts at handling GOLDFINGER poetically after all. One is yet another sonnet, and the other a four-line hexameter attempt.

    But then you've made it.

    SONNET III

    James Bond is sent to Flor’da to discover
    What is the essence of Goldfinger’s plan
    But first he finds himself another lover
    Who ends up gilded by a myst’ry man.

    Bond soon plays golf in Kent against the villain
    And tries to lure him with some Nazi gold
    By then he’s sure that Oddjob did the killin’
    Whose bowler hat is something to behold.

    Then on to Switzerland. Bond’s not so lucky
    He wrecks his Aston, finally gets caught
    The worst thing is, they take him to Kentucky
    To end up there he never would have thought.

    There’s more to tell. Alas, I must decline
    This is a sonnet and fourteen its final line.



    GF HEXAMETER

    Goldfinger tried to irradiate gold reserves crashing the market
    Double-O-Seven endeavoured to stop him from making this happen
    Pussy Galore and her circus did help him in working things out then
    Only poor Solo got shot and then crushed in a black Continental.

  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    Sorry, just felt like some more rhyming...here are five new classical-style limericks. Hope you enjoy:

    The organisation called SPECTRE
    Lured Bond with the chance of a Lektor
    To get caught in their web
    Or so thought Rosa Klebb
    Until James became Tanya’s protector.
    ***
    There once was Emilio Largo
    Whose yacht had a nuclear cargo
    Then Bond foiled his plot
    And Emilio got shot
    He should have retired to Fargo.
    ***
    The person whose first name was Auric
    Was gradually waxing euphoric
    About nuking Fort Knox
    But the bomb in the box
    Was defused and is now just historic.
    ***
    I wonder if Kissy Suzuki
    Would agree that her bridegroom looked spooky
    Just look at him, please
    That ain’t Japanese
    It’s a mixture of Scottish and kooky.
    ***
    The bombshell called Plenty O’Toole
    (Named after her father, you fool!)
    Knew how to roll dice
    But ended up twice
    At the bottom of somebody’s pool.


  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    In spite of the lack of most recent feedback, I'll just bump this thread once more as well.

    But I'm pleading writer's block on any new limericks right now.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    The fingernail of Hinx
    into your eyeball sinks.
    The last thing you see
    is his murderous glee
    and you think to yourself "This stinks."
    410120b27179826ce504d7068507c644.jpg
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    edited January 2018 Posts: 9,029
    CONFUSION STRIKES

    The guy known as Mr. Kananga
    Who had girls on his grounds in a tanga
    And caused such a ripple
    With his extra nipple…
    No wait, that was F. Scaramanga.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    Ha, good one.
  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    edited January 2018 Posts: 13,789
    When an agent is down on his luck
    Circumstances have just run amok
    With a moment to spare
    Well, it only seems fair
    He at least has the very best duck.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    RichardTheBruce wrote: »
    When an agent is down on his luck
    Circumstances have just run amok
    With a moment to spare
    Well, it only seems fair
    He at least has the very best duck.

    Without regard to your nation
    I send my appreciation
    To you, RTB
    Sympathetically
    For your kind cooperation.
  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    edited May 2018 Posts: 13,789
    Sumos are easily punched
    Heroes are likewise just crunched
    So with bravado
    Take care where you go
    Before things can get panty bunched.
  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    The Craig era in pieces
    by Allah, Buddha and Jesus
    it s now up to Boyle
    and according to Hoyle
    its star nucleo synthesis
  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    Posts: 13,789
    One might like their Bond Girl in leather,
    Or lithe, feeling light as a feather,
    But down to brass tacks
    I'd go with the facts
    And Strawberry Fields. Forever.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    With the Bond girl called Madeleine Swann
    James Bond's quiet life could go on
    But in spite of their flirtin'
    It seems rather certain
    That in Twenty-Five she'll be gone.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    j_w_pepper wrote: »
    With the Bond girl called Madeleine Swann
    James Bond's quiet life could go on
    But in spite of their flirtin'
    It seems rather certain
    That in Twenty-Five she'll be gone.

    It's just about time for correcting
    The outcome that I was expecting
    Madeleine is still here
    But we're shedding a tear
    Since it's Bond we're no longer detecting.
  • RichardTheBruceRichardTheBruce I'm motivated by my Duty.
    Posts: 13,789
    When it's Bond that's pursuing a mission
    Circumstance leads to dire decision--
    With some fait accompli
    (And resolved quandary)
    MI6 must support his volition.
  • j_w_pepperj_w_pepper Born on the bayou, but I now hear a new dog barkin'
    Posts: 9,029
    There once was a man named James Bond
    Of whom we were totally fond
    Someone said he should die
    But we won't need to cry
    He'll be back next year or beyond.
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