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Top jokes from the uk

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  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    How many tickles does it take to tickle an Octopus?





























    10 tickles.
  • WillyGaloreWillyGalore
    edited June 2014 Posts: 6,396
    The England football team were given a tour of a Favela in Brazil today.

    "It was sad to see those people who have absolutely no hope."...


    ...said a resident of the Favela.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    WillyGalore wrote:
    The England football team were given a tour of a Favela in Brazil today.

    "It was sad to see those people who have absolutely no hope."...


    ...said a resident of the Favela.

    =)) =)) =))

    but seriously, back em now and slag em off after the Italian game...Woy of the Rovers Return...the man needs to step away from the kids and let em play...
  • LudovicoLudovico
    Posts: 15,227
    What I find funnier is how delusional are England's supporters. Not that I like football mind you.
  • DragonpolDragonpol https://thebondologistblog.blogspot.com
    edited June 2014 Posts: 18,343
    Ludovico wrote:
    What I find funnier is how delusional are England's supporters. Not that I like football mind you.

    Seconded. The barmy army of the two World Wars and one World Cup Brigade.
  • LudovicoLudovico
    Posts: 15,227
    Like a former colleague once told me, it is one thing to wish your team to do well, it is another to expect it.
  • GerardGerard
    Posts: 6,021
    An "Oldie but Goodie", courtesy of Spitting Image :

    Margaret Thatcher and her cabinet go to the restaurant. Maggie asks for the menu, and after perusing it says to the Maître d' : "I'll have a steak, rare". "And for the vegetables ?" says the waiter. "They'll have what I'm having !" says Maggie.

    (It works for every prime minister in every country, that's the beauty of it).
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    http://www.theguardian.com/football/gallery/2012/may/08/roy-hodgson-the-gallery#/?picture=389701910&index=0


    http://www.theguardian.com/football/gallery/2014/jun/10/guardian-readers-world-cup-posters-2014-brazil-england
  • RogueAgentRogueAgent
    Posts: 12,526
    Man goes into the Dr's complaining of severe head problems?

    Dr: What symptoms do you experience?

    Man: Well one minute I feel like Donald Duck! And then the next minute I feel like Mickey Mouse?!!!!

    Dr: And how long have you been suffering with these Disney spells?
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,825
    Like Short Round said, "Not very funny."
    :))
  • yogi1yogi1
    Posts: 94
    Why did the baker have brown hands ?

    Because he Kneaded a poo.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    yogi1 wrote:
    Why did the baker have brown hands ?

    Because he Kneaded a poo.

    =))
  • AnonAnon
    Posts: 246
    What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

    An erection.

  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    edited June 2014 Posts: 2,629
    I heard this one from somewhere else.

    What's the difference between the English football club and a tea bag?

    The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
  • LudovicoLudovico
    Posts: 15,227
    Kerim wrote:
    I heard this one from somewhere else.

    What's the difference between the English football club and a tea bag?

    The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

    Hilarious. That said, the excuses of the supporters are even funnier.
  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    I've got this t-shirt that can talk to the dead. It's a medium.
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,825
    Not from the UK, but I like this one:
    Why did the Robot cross the road?
    Because it was carbon-bonded to the chicken.
  • MurdockMurdock The minus world
    edited June 2014 Posts: 16,359
    I heard this from a comedian on TV once a long time ago.
    I have my own New Years since I watch my balls drop. ;)
  • chrisisallchrisisall Brosnan Defender Of The Realm
    Posts: 17,825
    How many Double O's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None.
    *BLAM*
  • GerardGerard
    Posts: 6,021
    Found in a book I leafed through at WH Smith :

    "During childhood, you pull faces at your mirror.

    When Middle Age comes, the mirror gets even."
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    I like apostrophes...





















    even though they can be possessive.

  • valentinzukovskyvalentinzukovsky
    Posts: 503
    Columbia has it's own version of Top Gear ....But it's not about cars.

    What do you call James Bond with a beard?

    Stubble 0 seven.

  • DragonpolDragonpol https://thebondologistblog.blogspot.com
    edited June 2014 Posts: 18,343
    I was visiting my mate Horst in hospital. He swallowed a sponge. He says it doesn't hurt but he's always thirsty.


    --Henning Wehn (German comic, joke performed in the UK).



  • ThunderfingerThunderfinger Das Boot Hill
    Posts: 45,489
    David Cameron
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    Q/ Who lives at number 664?







    A/ The neighbour of the beast.
  • forgotmyusernameforgotmyusername
    Posts: 2,782
    Q: What's the difference between the Brazil football team and Oscar Pistorius?



    A: Pistorius has a better defence and more shots on target.
  • AceHoleAceHole Belgium, via Britain
    Posts: 1,731
    Man walks into doctor's office completely naked & wrapped in cling film.

    Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts..."
  • KerimKerim Istanbul Not Constantinople
    Posts: 2,629
    forgotmyusername wrote:
    Q: What's the difference between the Brazil football team and Oscar Pistorius?

    A: Pistorius has a better defence and more shots on target.

    That's a good one.
  • LudovicoLudovico
    Posts: 15,227
    Not from the UK, but seen this one and it was hilarious:

    I was offered to have sex today with a model. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook page. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in both lemon scent and vanilla.
  • TokolosheTokoloshe Under your bed
    Posts: 2,667
    I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

    We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
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