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THOU TWICE SHALT LIVE
Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir.
Sir James: From other maidens doth maidens of the east smack of change.
Deceitful Maiden: Verily, of greater savour art we?
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, though disparate in truth as the duck differs from the fish.
Deceitful Maiden: Sweet Sir James, to thee shall be given the most excellent duck.
Intermission. Maidens bow. A famed man’s daughter sings.
Act 2, Scene 2. The cabin of Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: Those who have no love for thee
Think thee lie under the sea
Thine deeds shall henceforth flow more free
For the big one this mission shall be.
Sir James: Forsooth I shalt follow thine plan
Though one matter must I understand
Mine mission doth lie in Japan
A craft I seek, where did it land?
Sir Miles: For thee, that is thine charge.
Moneypenny: Sir James, I do love thee. By your favour, tell this back to me.
Sir James: Concern ye not, it is understood.
Act 2, Scene 3. A carriage.
Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and knowest of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I this to hear. And thence?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Act 4, Scene 2. The palace of the Tiger Prince.
Tiger Prince: I do love thee, Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
Sir James: If it neither hot nor cold be I most surely shall.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional. Which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour?
Sir James: For this sweet maid I shalt settle.
Act 4, Scene 6. Another boudoir.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Sir James.
Sir James: Much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
Act 5, Scene 2. A villain’s lair.
Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this endeavour did Helga lack of success.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught.
Comte de Blofeld: More treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine forebearance whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
Helga: Osato! Nay!!!
Act 6, Scene 2. Still another boudoir.
Lady Kissy: In this bed shall ye sleep.
Sir James: Though in marriage we have jointly vowed?
Lady Kissy: Thou must reconsider, Sir James, for to the holy man thou has borne false witness.
Sir James: Then these oysters need I not.
Tiger Prince: Thou must make haste, Sir James, for those across the sea will make launch of their vessel most exceeding soon.
Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair.
Comte de Blofeld: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: In mine second life I be.
Comte de Blofeld: Thou twice shalt live, Sir James. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte de Blofeld: More later shalt thou understand, or to another fellow it will happen. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme!
Sir James: Of tobacco I doth crave.
Comte de Blofeld: This boon I shall grant unto thee, though thine death be soon upon thee.
(Enter the Tiger Prince and many attendants. Exit the Comte de Blofeld.)
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)
PHYSICIAN, NAY
Act1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Forsooth, matters doth become... interesting.
Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: Hail to thee this fine evening, my liege.
Sir Miles: The clock three times after midnight has struck, Naught Naught Seven. Dost thou sleep not?
Sir James: Never do I sleep in thy service, Sire.
Sir Miles: Thine flintlock thou must give to me forthwith.
Old Wizard: ‘Tis more fitting for a damsel. This flintlock I now give thee shall its pellets deliver even unto a building stone through an aperture of glass.
Sir Miles: To far Jamaica must thou sail, Naught Naught Seven, to seek the Duke of Strangways and his clerking wench.
Moneypenny: To dine with me thou hast never this apparel worn, Sir James. To dine with me thou hast never.
Sir James: I wouldst most sincerely, were ye not the chattel of Sir Miles.
Act 2, Scene 3. A drinking house.
Sir James: A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Lord Felix: I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, sent from across the sea. Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
Act 2, Scene 5. An alchemist’s workshop.
Sir James: Lend an eye to these rocks, I prithee, and impart to me their provenance.
Alchemist Dent: Such rocks doth in no way from the Isle of Crabs hail, under no circumstance, most exceedingly not. From any other isle they doth come, yet in truth not from that isle. Not there. Most definitely.
Lord Felix: (aside) Most surely an inferior alchemist this is, or the worst of liars.
Act 2, Scene 7. A boudoir.
Deceitful Wench: Hinter me I know not what doth transpire.
Sir James: Thine forgiveness I crave, for such a vista I doth admire.
Deceitful Wench: Dine with me, Sir James, I shall prepare for thee an eastern repast.
Sir James: Nay, lead her to thy cells, constables. Though wary thou must be of the paint upon her nails.
Act 3, Scene 1. A beach.
Honey: Seek ye shells?
Sir James: Nay, I merely seek.
Honey: Fear this isle thou must, Sir James, for here be a dragon.
Quarrel: In this matter thou hast the right, fair maiden.
Sir James: Nay, dragons be there not.
(A dragon appears)
Act 4, Scene 1. A dining room.
Physician: With me shalt thou dine, Sir James, while I doth tell thee mine history. I prithee, drink this mead that has not been stirred not though shaken it be.
Sir James: And yet no hands doth thou have.
Physician: Employment I do offer thee, Sir James, for most impressed I am with thine calibre.
Sir James: Mine employment shall be avenging Quarrel and the Duke of Strangways.
Physician: Alack, thee I have misjudged, merely a constable without wit thou be.
Act 5, Scene 1. A boat.
Sir James: Seek ye help, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis certain thou do not, Sir James.
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
LONG LIVE THE GEMSTONES!
Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place.
Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek?
(Sir James strikes varlet)
Varlet: Thou must ask in Cairo!
(Another foreign place)
Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek?
(Sir James strangles 2nd varlet)
2nd Varlet: Thou must ask Madame Marie!
(A beach)
Madame Marie: How may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Wherefore is the Comte de Blofeld?
(Sir James strangles Madame Marie with her own clothing)
Madame Marie: ...agghhh... ugghh...
Sir James: Louder must thou speak.
(An alchemist’s chamber)
Comte de Blofeld: With playthings of the earth doth thou make sport, Naught Naught Seven. This yeoman thou hast slain to no purpose.
(Sir James slays the Comte)
Sir James: To Hades I send thee!
Intermission. Maidens dance with a cat. A Welsh woman sings... again.
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir Miles: Knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald.
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones is thy charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.
Act 2, Scene 2. A boudoir.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Thou shalt carry gemstones across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: And we shall dine together forthwith. A small eating place I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany; Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset.
(A varlet is slain by Sir James)
Lady Tiffany: In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: It doth show that nobody lives forever.
Act 3, Scene 1. A port.
Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Act 4, Scene 2. A gaming house.
Mistress Plenty: With thine sport I proffer mine assistance.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, Mistress...?
Mistress Plenty: Plenty am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true.
Mistress Plenty: Plenty O’Toole.
Sir James: For thine father thou be named, I am sure.
Act 4, Scene 3. A room atop a boarding house.
Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Act 5, Scene 2. At sea.
Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger.
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. Alll the cards most assuredly are in mine hand.
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots)
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
(Exit the Comte)
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.
THE ROYAL GAMBLING TAVERN
Act1, Scene 1. A place of business.
Sir James: Dame Miles hath no quarrel with thy making thine fortune, Earl Dryden, though most bitterly she is vexed that her secrets thou doth betray.
Earl Dryden: Of thee I have no fear, Sir James, for thou hath not Naught Naught. ‘Tis a pity our intimacy has not flourished.
Sir James: Though the whereabouts of thine flintlock be known to me.
Earl Dryden: Hast thee mine boon companion slain?
Sir James: ‘Tis true.
Ealr Dryden: Most deeply thou hast felt this, yet the second is-
(Sir James slays Earl Dryden)
Sir James: Yea. Verily.
Intermission. Men struggle whilst playing cards are displayed. A man from across the sea sings.
Act 2, Scene 1. The bedchamber of Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: In faith I doth think Sir James be deranged. With Naught Naught I have favoured him yet an ambassadorate he hath lain waste to.
Sir James: Thy pardon I crave, mine liege.
Dame Miles: Impertinence! How hast thou found mine bedchamber?
Sir James: In like manner to how I found thine name, M....
Dame Miles: Should thou utter but one syllable I shall have thee slain.
Sir James: Then thee wanteth me to be silent as a monk, or mayhap half-monk, half hitman.
Dame Miles: In the sand I wanteth thee to bury thine head, Naught Naught Seven. And ne’er enter mine bedchamber again!
Sir James: Ne'er shall I, mine leige, until the sky doth fall.
Act 3, Scene 1. A carriage.
Lady Lynd: The treasure am I.
Sir James: Yea, to the last bauble. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Lady Lynd: Thine sundial ist most precious, Sir James, yet with thine intent I have little faith. On the treasure shall my eye be kept, lest ye think it shall fall on thy perfectly-formed arse.
Sir James: And mine eye shall not fall on thy broad chest, lest I be skewered as with my meat.
Act 3, Scene 2. A gaming house.
Le Lector: Good sir, I know not whether to address thee as Beech or Bond.
Sir James: With this I have no problem. Come, let us make sport with the playing cards.
(Cards are played for two-and-seventy hours)
Sir James: Thirsty am I. Steward, bring me a glass of mead, let it be shaken but stirred not, with a sliver of lemon.
Lord Felix: Yea, I will partake of this fine drink also, though thou can retain the fruit.
Le Lector: And I will have a glass of fine Chianti, with some fava beans.
(Cards are played for a further eight-and-forty hours)
Lord Felix: Mayhap I should make myself known to thee, since we are kinfolk. I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, sent from across the sea.
Sir James: ‘Tis strange, for sure I am that we have met yet thine face be unfamiliar.
Lord Felix: Thine also, yet to this we shall grow accustomed even though it doth take fifty years.
(Cards are played for a further four-and-twenty hours. Sir James emerges victorious)
Act 4, Scene 1. A ship.
(Sir James awakes to find himself at a disadvantage)
Le Lector: Great care with thine body hast thou taken, Sir James, though wasted it has been.
(H strikes Sir James from below)
Sir James: Aargh!!!!
Le Lector: Thy winnings I desire most strongly. Should thou not tell me where to find them, more pain shall I cause thee than thou canst possibly endure.
(Again he strikes Sir James)
Sir James: I prithee, aid me with an itch I bear.
(Le Lector strikes Sir James again)
Sir James: Nay! Nay! To the right!
Le Lector: Most amusing thou ist!
Sir James: Ne’er shall I tell thee what thou desirest.
(A varlet enters and shoots Le Lector)
Act 5, Scene 2. A boudoir.
Lady Lynd: Sir James, for thee I now carry great affection even unto thine little finger.
Sir James: And with my lttle finger thou doth know what I can do.
Lady Lynd: Take off thine armour, Sir James.
Sir James: For thee, I have no armour.
Lady Lynd: Alack, I have betrayed thee Sir James (dies).
Sir James: Alas, the bitch is dead now. Solace I do crave, even a small amount.
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
Here's his latest:
YE BALL OF THUNDER
Act1, Scene 1. A graveyard.
Madamoiselle: Yonder coffin doth bear thine monogram, Sir James.
Sir James: Better he than I, fair maiden. See how the widow doth linger not for her attendant to open her carriage door. Widow Bouvier, mine most sincere condolences I proffer.
(Sir James slays the Widow )
Madamoiselle: Be there any further services I can offer, Sir James?
Sir James: In time, ‘tis likely. Now, with speed enter mine carriage.
Intermission. Maidens swim. A Welshman sings lustily.
Act 2, Scene 1. A place of business.
Comte de Blofeld: Betrayed have I been by one of mine cohorts. Was it thee, Lord Albert R?
Lord Albert R: Nay, Comte, I am faithful and true.
Comte de Blofeld: Was it thee, Lord Harry?
Lord Harry: In faith, ‘twas not I.
Comte de Blofeld: Then was it thee, Lord Kevin?
Lord Kevin: Nay, mine liege, I would never betray thee.
Comte de Blofeld: Never sayest thou never, Lord Kevin.
(Lightning doth strike. Lord Kevin disappears and doth not return... for a long time)
Act 2, Scene 2. An apothecary’s chamber.
Marquess Patricia: Thee I must examine, Sir James. Thine garments I would have thee doff.
Sir James: Ne’er dost thou say that as though it were meant, nurse.
Marquess Patricia: No nurse am I, whatever Absolutely_Cart doth say, for I am a therapist. Most strange is thy bruising.
Sir James: ‘Twas a poker wielded by a widow.
Marquess Patricia: Marry, ‘tis most puzzling, for a widow thou be greatly suited.
Count Lippe: Be thou prepared for mine assignation, Marquess Patricia?
Marquess Patricia: Directly shall I be with thee. Count Lippe, this is he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Count Lippe: Most pleased am I to meet thee, Sir... James.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Moneypenny: Thou art most tardy, Sir James.
Sir James: Across my knee I wouldst place thee, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: For this I cannot wait.
Sir Miles: Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee.
Sir James: With great pleasure I accept my mission, mine liege.
Sir Miles: Thine passion for making sport beneath the waves ist the cause, I have no doubt.
Act 4, Scene 1: A beach
Sir James: Thine form I doth admire, sweet maiden. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Duenna Dominetta: Marry, thine name is Bond, James Bond and my form thou hath admired.
Sir James: Most verily, like a man thou doth swim.
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis true of thee also.
Sir James: Much practice have I had. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith- partake of mine conch chowder.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, thou hast been studying the wrong scrolls.
Sir James: Thou ist exceeding unco-operative, Domino.
Duenna Dominetta; How knowest thee I be called Domino?
Sir James; ‘Tis on thine ankle bracelet.
Duenna Dominetta: Thine eyes are exceeding sharp
Sir James: Mine teeth await thine inspection.
Act 4, Scene 2: A gaming house.
Baron Largo: Pray join me in a game of cards, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Baron Largo: Of thee have I had report from mine boon companions.
Sir James: Nil of ill repute, I do trust. I do see a spectre upon thy shoulder.
Baron Largo: Wherefore...? A spectre? Let us play cards!
(Cards are played. Sir James emerges victorious)
Sir James: For one dance with Duenna Dominetta I wouldst settle, and mayhap one more in twenty years.
Act 4, Scene 5. A shed by the sea.
Lord Felix: I bear greetings, Naught Naught-
(Sir James strikes Lord Felix)
Sir James: A thousand pardons, Lord Felix, thou must not say Naught Naught Seven.
Lord Felix: Sir James, thou dost have a visitor from thy homeland.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this magic timepiece! Behold this enchanted tablet! Day and night thou shouldst retain this.
Sir James: This remark I much resent. With thine enchanted tablet I knowest not what to do.
Old Wizard: Thou must swallow it, Naught Naught Seven.
Act 5, Scene 1. A domicile by the sea.
Sir James: Thine flintlock be more apt for a maiden.
Baron Largo: Thou doth know a surpassing amount concerning flintlocks, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, I doth know a surpassing amount concerning maidens.
Duenna Dominetta: Come, Sir James, share with me mine conch chowder.
Act 6, Scene 3. A boat.
Baron Largo: Now I have thee at mine mercy, Sir James
(Duenna Dominetta slays Baron Largo)
Duenna Dominetta: In faith, that I have slain Baron Largo doth please me.
Sir James: No more than it doth please me.
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
Act1, Scene 1. A beach.
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death. How may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: Be thou certain?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(Sir James overcomes the varlets. Exit Contessa Theresa in the carriage of Sir James)
Sir James: Verily, to the other fellow this did not come to pass.
Intermission. Maidens pose with a flag and crown. No-one sings, most wondrous music doth play.
Act 2, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: Thou ist sure?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: In truth, thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Act 2, Scene 3. A place of Business.
Prince Draco: I am the father of Contessa Theresa. I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Here I stand.... nay, verily, I am he. Truly.
Prince Draco: Sup with me, Sir James. Wouldst thou prefer XXXX or Fosters?
Sir James: I prefer mead- stir it not, though shaken it may be.
Prince Draco: It is my wish that thou shouldst take my daughter to wife. A dowry of one million pieces of gold shalt be thine.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James: Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to Sir Miles.
Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Act 4, Scene 1. The College Of Arms.
Sir Hilary: I must impart to thee that the Comte de Blofeld doth command my services.
Sir James: In thine stead I must proceed.
Sir Hilary: Most surely. Thou canst borrow mine name, mine garments, and mine voice.
Sir James: Thine voice?
Sir Hilary:....I think it would be best.
Act 4, Scene 2. Atop a mountain.
Fraulein Irma: Grüße, Sir Hilary, nehme ich sie an den Grafen.
Sir James: ...um, aye... (?)
Fraulein Irma: Wurden sie in den Alpen vor?
Sir James: ...er, nay... (??)
1st Maiden: Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called B...,er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: Hence thou ist an inferior Baron?
Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: With that accent?
Sir James: Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
Act 4, Scene 4. A villain’s lair.
Comte de Blofeld: Through thine disguise of... glasses... I have seen, Naught Naught Seven. Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens.
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte de Blofeld: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now I shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.
Act 5, Scene 1. A wedding.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard.
Contessa Theresa: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
(Contessa Theresa ist slain by Fraulein Irma and the Comte de Blofeld)
Sir James: All the time in the world doth we have...
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
SOLELY FOR THINE EYES
Act 1, Scene 1. A graveyard.
Holy Man: Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed.
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven, for thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain.
(They struggle. Sir James emerges victorious)
Sir James: An eating-place of metal thou shalt not need.
Intermission. A Scotswoman sings surrounded by fish.
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: Even more laden with beauty art thou this day, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: In this direction I stand, Sir James, thou makest eyes at mine helping wench.
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have for mine has been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... ajb007/crap
Act 2, Scene 3. The Old Wizard’s lair.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. In mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek.. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be.
Act 3, Scene 1. An eating place.
Visconte Kristatos: In me thou must place thy trust, Sir James, for I am thine true friend and not this wastrel Columbo.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Columbo: Nay, ‘tis I who would be thine friend, trust not the evil Kristatos.
Sir James: Of thee he doth speak highly also.
Countess Lisl: Here, mate, wanna come back to my place?
Sir James: Most certainly. Comest thou from Manchester?
Countess Lisl: Mine night chemise doth slip, as does mine accent. From Liverpool I doth hail- as thou canst tell from mine earmuffs.
Sir James: Of course, thou doth listen to Ye Beatles.
Act 4, Scene 2. A boudoir.
Baby Doll: To bed with me thou must make haste, Sir James. Mine teddy bear I shall move aside.
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, is this not a day of education for thee?
Baby Doll: Thou makest merry of me, Sir James, yet for thee I bear strong affection. Thine name I have enscribed in mine schoolbook.
Sir James: Forsooth, replace thine garments and for thee I will purchase a sweetmeat.
Act 4, Scene 3. A boat.
Visconte Columbo: Heavy of heart am I that mine Lisl ist slain.
Sir James: I know not if in thee mine trust should be placed.
Visconte Columbo: I woulst not make attempt to buy thine trust with gold, Sir James, even if I were a rich man. Rather, thine flintlock I shall return to thee.
Sir James: And if thee were a rich man?
Visconte Columbo: All day long I’d.... er, our vessel shall carry us to Kristatos’ lair.
Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
(Visconte Kristatos ist slain)
Visconte Columbo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll.
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, James....
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
Act 1, Scene 1. A place of business.
Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin.
Banker: Of this I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: Though here I have six-and-thirty men, also a maid with a cigar?
(Sir James overcomes six-and-thirty varlets)
Sir James: Count again, banker.
Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Dame Miles.
Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Hast thou brought me a gift from thine travels?
Sir James: For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know.
Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.
King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
(King Robert ist slain)
Intermission. Maidens dance in oil. A Scotswoman sings.
Act 2, Scene 2. A castle.
Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls, except for thee Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.
Act 2, Scene 2. The Old Wizard’s lair.
Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for my restful days of dotage.
Sir James: ‘Tis my hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor.
New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He has ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
Act 3, Scene 1. A place of business.
Sir James: From Albion I doth come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt.
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
Act 3, Scene 2. A gaming house.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Tsar Valentin: Sayest thou not “hello”? And on mine life I shouldst more security carry.
Sir James: The Princess Elektra I wouldst discuss with thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou art tardy, Sir James, for here she stands.
Prioncess Elektra: With thee I wouldst play cards, Tsar Valentin, for one million pieces of gold.
Tsar Valentin: Such sums exceed mine coffers, Princess, and wouldst take all mine gold. Lucky would I be to find work... perhaps in a school somewhere.
Sir James: This game I canst not play.
Princess Elektra: Thou ist afraid, Sir James.
(Cards are played. Princess Elektra emerges victorious)
Act 4, Scene 1. A mine.
Alchemist Turkey: Thou shalt know me as Alchemist Christmas Turkey and I prithee to not make merry of mine name. How shall I call thee?
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Alchemist Arkov, of thine name no fowl yolks shell I crack.
Alchemist Turkey: Seekest thou a glimmer?
Rascal Renard: Cry hold, for an imposter ist among us. Alchemist Arkov ist three-and-sixty years old, and Sir Roger Moore doth not be present here.
Sir James: ‘Tis thee who ist the imposter.
Rascal Renard: In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
Sir James: Familiar are these words....
Act 5, Scene 1. A ship under the sea.
Rascal Renard: Though perish I may, in faith I do it for Princess Elektra!
Sir James: The princess ist slain, Renard, by none other than I.
Rascal Renard: Nay!
(They struggle. Rascal Renard ist slain)
Sir James: ‘Tis now time to stuff my Christmas turkey.
Doctor Turkey: Oh, Sid James! I mean, Sir James!
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
Much better than the original! :)) Nice, unexpected mention of Roger Moore there as well. ;))
Wasn't Ms. Smallbone in OP?
These are great though. Sorry to nitpick.
Miss Smallbone. ;)
Act 1, Scene 1. A fortress high atop a mountain, below a lake, below a mountain, on Eastern shores.
(A varlet sits on the throne)
Sir James: Cry prithee, good sir, mayhap I forgot to knock.
(The varlet ist overcome by Sir James)
Sir James: Alas, I am all alone.
Sir Alexander: In truth, Sir James, each man is but an island. Precede me, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, thou must precede me, Naught Naught Six.
(Enter Baron Ouromov and his men)
Baron Ouromov: Good sirs, show thyselves! Lest ye forget, 'tis madness to attempt escape.
Sir Alexander: Doest thy will, Sir James! To Hades thou must send them! For Albion, Dame Miles and St George!
(Sir James departs upon a winged chariot.)
Intermission. Statues are laid siege by unclothed maidens. A woman from across the sea sings.
Act 2, Scene 2. A gaming house.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Three passions do we share.
Countess Onatopp: Truly I hope that thine talent lies with the third, Sir James.
Sir James: My lady, one rises to meet such challenge, like a serpent unto the breast of Eve. Yet may it please thee to answer most fully: is thine accent St Georgian?
Countess Onatopp: Dost thou know it?
Sir James: Verily, in my salad days I did but drop in, yet cannon out.
Countess Onatopp: Tis a land of opportunity.
Sir James: Yet, thine ambassador has the wrong licence on his hearse.
Countess Onatopp: His hearse?
Sir James: My kingdom for his hearse.
Countess Onatopp: Farewell Sir James, methinks thou'st a knave in chariot licensing.
Act 2, Scene 2. The throne room of Dame Miles.
William Of Tanner (Squire of the Lego Fortress): Indeed it pains me greatly good Sir James, that the Sovereign Witch of Calculation decreed your wisdom and cunning were forestalled.
Dame Miles: Sayest thee?
William Of Tanner: Nay, nay...
Dame Miles: In council of toxic judgement, I will seek an audience and narration of my ward and brethren should it please me master squire.
Sir James: N’er in thine leisure have I seen, thee, Moneypenny, most beguiling you are.
Moneypenny: To linger on great calamity I shall not, Sir James, in faith with a gentleman did I have an assignation.
Sir James: Thou do crush me, Moneypenny.
Dame Miles: Thou lovest me not, Naught Naught Seven, my ways are not thine. A mere tallyman am I, a counter of beans.
Sir James: I have thought this, my liege.
Dame Miles: Thine charms upon me are wasted. Thou be naught but an antiquated dragon, who thinkest I lack the balls for mine job as does this statuette for Best Supporting Actress, yet to thy death I shall send thee with no hesitation.
Sir James: This statuette I doth admire greatly.
Dame Miles: No doubt, though ‘tis as close as THEE will get, Irish boy.
Act 2, Scene 3. The Old Wizard’s Lair.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. This girdle for thine hose thou shalt now take.
Sir James: But not this sustenance?
Old Wizard: Nay ‘tis mine repast! Behold thine new carriage, fashioned in Bavaria. Thou must pay heed to the laws of the land, Naught Naught Seven, though thou doth carry leave to slay.
Act 3, Scene 1. A waystation.
Sir James: ‘Tis spring in London, yet here ‘tis winter.
Yeoman Wade: Thou ist ye weatherman? To mine carriage without hindrance thou must come, stiff-ass Brit.
Sir James: Nay, thou must display to me thine rose.
Yeoman Wade: Mine rose? Nay! Thou art taking things too seriously, as with pachazo from mi6.
Sir James: Display it unto me forthwith!
Yeoman Wade: .....Thou hast seen enough?
Sir James: I seek an audience with Tsar Valentin Zukovsky, thou must give me no limp excuses.
Yeoman Wade: Thou shalt not appeal to his heart.
Sir James: Most surely, albeit his purse I might make entreat to increase.
Yeoman Wade: ‘Tis more likely.
Act 3, Scene 2. A tavern.
Tsar Valentin: Thine flintlock I recognise, Sir James, two who have carried such a weapon have been slain by me.
Sir James: ‘Tis two greater than thine winged chariots, Tsar Valentin. A boon I would ask of thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou jesteth, Naught Naught Seven, for most surely thou didst endeavour to slay me in the past.
Sir James: Nay, I did merely injure thine knee. Order thine cat to be silent and we shall speak.
Act 4, Scene 2. A graveyard.
Sir Alexander: Surprised to see me thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: I had thought thee dead, Sir Alexander, since Sean Bean doth die in every film.
Sir Alexander: Nay, Sir James, I have returned and wouldst have thee join me.
Sir James: Mine loyalty ist ever to mine mission, Albion and Dame Miles.
Sir Alexander: At thine wake shalt Moneypenny weep, though none other.
Act 5, Scene 1. A gaol.
Tsar Mischkin: Sit, I prithee, Sir James, the manner of thine death I must consider.
Sir James: No tittle-tattle hath thee, little to pass the time of day
Tsar Mischkin: I seek ye Gilded Eye, impart to me where it shall be found.
Countess Natalya: As youngbloods at play thou art, cease forthwith!
Act 6, Scene 2. High atop a tower.
Sir Alexander: I was ever thine superior, Sir James. For Albion!
Sir James: Nay, for me!
(Sir Alexander ist slain)
Countess Natalya: Oh, Sir James!
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
(Thanks to Charmed & Dangerous and Thunderbird2 for the opening parts. This one took ages to finish!- Barbel)
YE SPECTRE
Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place. (Enter Sir James with a comely wench)
Wench: But, Sir James, wherefore must we wear the habit of those who are deceased?
Sir James: ‘Tis the day when the dead are alive, yet the opposite I must make so.
(Enter Signor Sciarra)
Sir James: Hold, sir!
(They struggle. Signor Sciarra boards a winged chariot, pursued by Sir James. They struggle more. Sir James emerges victorious, clutching Signor Sciarra’s ring)
Intermission. Maidens dance with a cephalopod. An Englishman sings squeakily.
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: In such foreign places thou hast no mission, Naught Naught Seven. An account of thine intent I doth require with no delay.
Sir James: No mission had I, Sire, ‘twas merely my leisure.
Sir Gareth: From thine duty I doth relieve thee, with immediate effect.
(Enter Lord Max Moriarty)
Lord Max: I prithee, forgive mine interruption.
Sir Gareth: No interruption hast thou caused. Naught Naught Seven, pray greet Lord Max Moriarty to whom high authority hast been granted.
Sir James: Hail to thee, Lord Max, may I address thee as a “C”?
Lord Max: Nay, nay, thou may call me “Max”.
Sir James: Nay, to me thou shalt ever be a C.
Sir Gareth: Enough, Naught Naught Seven, leave us now.
Act 2, Scene 2. (In an exterior courtyard Moneypenny a most beautiful English maiden approaches Sir James)
Moneypenny: Good Knight, the Queen's guards hath given up this treasure chest from thy former castle
Sir James: Bringeth it anon to mine own new castle, at evensong.
(Later, at the abode of Sir James)
Moneypenny: Hast thou but recently acquired these new lodgings?
Sir James: Nay!
Moneypenny: All the yeomen of Her Majesty do converse that thou art vanquished.
Sir James: And what doth thee bethink ?
Moneypenny: I bethinks thou art just at the starteth of a new quest!
(Sir James reveals a new tapestry, from his former most noble lady. Togeth'r those gathered heareth h'r voice)
Dame Miles: Sir James, my most valiant knight. I wish thou to endeth the earthly toil of a most
Vile knave, And misseth not the blaggard’s burial.
(Later by torchlight Sir James opens the treasure chest from his family castle, and muses on its contents)
Act 2, Scene 3. The Young Wizard’s lair.
Young Wizard: ‘Tis most pleasant to see thee, Naught Naught Seven, most pleasant. Behold this magnificent steed, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and the Viscount Martin. For thee it was intended, but alas, Sir Gareth hath decreed it for Naught Naught Nine.
William of Tanner: Sir Gareth hath also decreed that in thine crystal ball thou shalt know the whereabouts of Naught Naught Seven at all times, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Most surely it shall be done, but alack this cannot be till the rooster has crowed one time.
(Sir James doth look exceedingly unhappy)
Young Wizard:....two times.
(Sir James smiles)
Young Wizard: A boon I have for thee, Naught Naught Seven, behold this enchanted timepiece!
Sir James: Pray tell, Young Wizard, in what manner be it enchanted?
Young Wizard: Exceeding loud be its chiming...
Act 3, Scene 1. A funeral.
Sir James: Widow Sciarra, with thee I must have words.
Widow Sciarra: And what ist thy name, sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Widow Sciarra: Canst thou not see that I grieve?
Sir James: Nay, though thine immense hotness be readily apparent.
Widow Sciarra: Mine husband ist dead, be thou his slayer?
Sir James: Yea, it is so. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith, and impart unto me thine husband’s business.
Widow Sciarra: Nay, to thee I shalt tell nothing. Thou hast mine husband slain, and me in danger’s path hast thou placed, yet thou seekest mine help. Wherefore should I tell thee?
(Sir James kisses the Widow)
Widow Sciarra: Okay, fair enough, I will tell thee...
Act 3, Scene 2. Exterior of Italian castle.
(Sir James alights from his silver steed and approaches a doorway)
Italian Guard: Unfold yourself, asshole. who is't art thee?
Sir James: Mickey Mouse am I, who is't art thee?
(Sir James enters as a gathering begins......... A female apothecary is speaking .....)
Apothecary: In matters of business I must report great success, to all our endeavours has been granted profit. Our production of 5000 fake little fingers of the Lord to be sold to the sick and infirm as a unique holy relic has met with great success.
(Enter the Comte de Blofeld, with attendants)
Comte: I prithee, do continue.
Apothecary: ...though the loss of Signor Sciarra must be addressed by us forthwith, his mission with regard to Ye Pale King must be continued.
Comte: I do seek one who would such a trust undertake.
Doomed Man: Henceforth I shall be thine choice, for no better can be found.
Comte: In this room are there those who would object?
(Enter Yeoman Hinx)
Doomed Man: Oh, shi.... (He ist slain by Yeoman Hinx)
Comte: Yeoman Hinx, thou shalt carry on the mission of Signor Sciarra regarding Ye Pale King. But hold, we doth have a visitor this day. Hello, Sir James- cuckoo!
(Sir James looks around in confusion, as do the audience)
Italian Guard: I bear greetings, Topolino.
(Sir James slays the guard and exits, pursued by Yeoman Hinx)
Act 3, Scene 3. (Sir James is atop the trusty silver steed assigned to Naught Naught Nine, pursued by Yeoman Hinx.)
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, wherefore art thou?
Maid MoneyPenny: I am here, Sir James, awaiting your pleasure Sire.
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, forsooth. It seems events of late in the Frankish Empire, the Arab-Berbers, the Aztecs, are all connected by one brethren. Hast thou knowledge?
(From off, a Varlet sounds, asking Maid MoneyPenny with whom she discourses so late.)
Maid MoneyPenny to the Varlet: It is my Lord, whose purse has been swiped, now prithee go back to sleep, perchance to dream. Ahem.
Sir James: Maid MoneyPenny, who is the Varlet who seeks to occupy thy chamber?
Maid MoneyPenny (blushing): None of thy beeswax. Sir James, of this brethren, this has knowledge: 'tis the Pale King thou sleekest, of late in Altausee near the Frankish border.
Sir James: Fair MoneyPenny, pray tell, hast thou knowledge of another, Graf Francis of Uber-Castle? Before and after his passing from this mortal coil?
Maid MoneyPenny : Sir James, hast thou been knocking back the mead again? While you are atop your trusty steed? Hmmm...
(Sir James spurs on his steed, away from Yeoman Hinx but into the path of a humble peasant atop a small donkey. With one snort, Sir James's steed gallops ahead and noses the donkey into a trough, to the peasant's chagrin. Sir James, whose steed has been fed much green vegetables and broth by the Young Wizard, pauses to light the mighty steed's flatulent emission into the oncoming path of Yeoman Hinx. But alas, the steed is overcome, and tosses Sir James like buckaroo before plunging into the river. Yeoman Hinx retires)..
Act 3, Scene 4.The lair of Ye Pale King
Pale King: Though e'er I have known that death would wear a familiar face, truly n'er did I think 'twould be thine.
Sir James: Talk we must, Pale King, for thine title did arise at a meeting I did attend.
Pale King: Most flattering it is that thine masters in Albion still do refer to me.
Sir James: ‘Twas not in Albion, but in Rome. Behold this ring.
Pale King: Thou art but a kite adrift in a hurricane, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou must tell me where I canst find thine leader.
Pale King: Everywhere he ist! He doth drink mead with thine friends, he doth sup with thine family, he ist in bed with thine lover!
Sir James: Protect thee from him I shalt.
Pale King: Nay, thou must protect mine daughter- she is in a place of medicine, high atop a mountain. Farewell, Sir James! (Dies at his own hand)
Act 4, Scene 1. A place of medicine, high atop a mountain.
Maid Madeleine: These draperies I shalt close, lest ye find the view distracting.
Sir James: This I had not noticed.
Maid Madeleine: Thou hast not thine scroll completed, Sir James, forsooth I must ask thee some questions. Dost thee exercise?
Sir James: When it has to be done, this I doth do.
Maid Madeleine: And doth thine duty bring thee stress?
Sir James: It has been known to.
Maid Madeleine: Doth thee partake of strong beverages?
Sir James: Alack, too often this doth occur.
Maid Madeleine: And thou hast not enscribed here thine occupation, wherefore is that?
Sir James: Enscribed, ‘tis not a pleasant thing. I doth bring death.
Maid Madeleine: From my father thou hast been sent!
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, alas thine father ist dead.
Maid Madeleine: Leave me at once, I wish no part of this.
Later, in ye bar.
Steward: Good day, sir, may I help thee?
(Enter a distraught man clad in a knitted sweater and cap)
Distraught Man: Verily, we are all in the wrong country! A calamous error has been done! (Exits)
Sir James: I prithee, who ist that?
Steward: I ken not, but he hath done that three and twenty times already today. Mayhap thou wouldst care for a beverage, good sir?
Sir James: Most verily. Bring me mead, let it be shaken and not stirred.
Steward: Forgive me, for here strong beverages are not served.
Sir James: For this place I now carry great affection....
Young Wizard: Steward, bring Sir James a health-giving flavoured milk.
Sir James: Nay, steward, throw such a drink into the privy.
Young Wizard: Thou must return with me, Naught Naught Seven, for I am in service of Sir Gareth and must give sustenance to my two cats.
Sir James: Nay, Young Wizard, you must take this ring and uncover its secrets with thine enchantments.
Act 5, Scene 1. A boarding house in a foreign place.
Sir James: So, this be The Atlantian Inn?
Maid Madeleine: Aye, 'tis where my father first took my mother to bed after their wedding. I prithee, Sir James, let no similar ideas cross thine mind lest I slay thee.
Sir James: Let the thought perish! Thou must sleep, while I do partake of this convenient bottle of wine which I hath found...
(Six bottles of wine later, a mouse doth run across the floor. Sir James rather unsteadily threatens the mouse with his sword.)
Sir James: Who doth thee worketh for?
Mouse: Mine mistress, the lady doth wear the trousers in the family.
Sir James: The mouse talks!
Mouse: 'Tis apparent that mice do talk, for did not my cousin Mickey speak in Rome?
Sir James: Guide me to the Comte de Blofeld’s castle!
Mouse: Only for a sip of thy hearty wine, valorous sire.
Sir James: With this I hath no problem. Awake, Maid Madeleine!
Act 6 Scene 1. A carriage ride in the country.
Maid Madeleine: Thee should not stare at mine garment.
Sir James: Thee shouldn't behold like that! And concluded, be it I wast admiring the water lilies outside the quite quaint carriage (awkward pause)
Sir James: Wilt thee drinketh the devil's drinketh, mine lady?
Maid Madeleine: If 't be true I doth findeth myself in error.
Sir James: We must has't that! Er.. I mean, must not has't that.
Maid Madeleine: I wilt has't Soiled Mead.
Sir James: Soiled Mead! (Aside) The maiden is a white lamb desiring to be’est tupped. I shalt has't to attend to yon beast with two backs!
Maid Madeleine: Wherefore didst thee becometh a knight?
Sir James: A knight hath a paid check, ye latest trustworthy steed and he killeth men without arriving in a dungeon! (Carriage slows, Yeoman Hinx enters carriage)
Sir James: Is this the large Yeoman Hinx I see ere me?
(They tussle, Sir James and Maid Madeleine both throw Yeoman Hinx off the carriage, carriage runs over Hinx)
Yeoman Hinx: Fornication under Consent of the Ki-
(Carriage reverses and runs over Yeoman Hinx again. ‘Tis possible he be deceased...thou knowest, as with Jaws)
Maid Madeleine: What doth we doeth now, Sir James?
Sir James: Cometh, alloweth us giveth in to earthly desires, while listening to young squire Sam Smith serenade us with his fiddle.
Act 6, Scene 3. A villain’s lair.
Comte: Welcome to mine easily-inflammable base. Wherefore hast thou come here, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: To slay thee ist mine intent.
Comte: Nay, thou hast come here to die!
Sir James: ‘Tis merely a matter of perspective, Graf Francis... or is it Beech? A little confused am I.
Comte: Well, this we would not want. I am the Comte de Blofeld, and I doth be thine brother, Mr Powers, er, I mean Sir James. Now let me strap you to this easily-escapable torture chair.
(Enter Scott de Blofeld, accompanied by Higgins and Asp9mm)
Scott: Wherefore dost thou not merely slay him, father?
Comte: Ssh!
Scott: In my chambers have I a good sharp sword, pray permit me to...
Comte: Nay, Scott, this thou just doth not get.
Scott: But...
Comte: Sshh! Here have I a big bag of sshh!
(Exit Scott de Blofeld, grumbling)
Comte: Now, Sir James, I shall subject you to a most painful torture.
Maid Madeleine: Nay! Let it not be so!
Sir James: Worry ye not, fair maiden, take my enchanted timepiece and all will be well.
(She does, and all is well with remarkable ease.)
Act 6, Scene 4. The throne room of Lord Max Moriarty.
(Lord Max enters to find Sir Gareth and the Young Wizard awaiting)
Lord Max: In faith, 'tis my belief that you are trespassing here!
Sir Gareth: Nay, Lord Max, I but question your taste in friends and am putting an end to thine evil schemes.
Lord Max: For this thou art responsible?
Sir Gareth: Nay, but my Young Wizard is.
Lord Max: For this thou shalt die!
(Lord Max draws his sword but finds the end has been blunted)
Sir Gareth: Marry, 'tis now we know what "C" stands for:
Spoiler
CUCKOO!!!
(They doth struggle, and Lord Max falls from a great height)
Young Wizard: Be he dead, Sire?
Sir Gareth: 'Tis to be hoped, although Sir Sherlock hath slain him several times and he doth keep returning.
Act 6, Scene 5. Ye ruins of Vauxhall Castle, the walls bearing likenesses of Lady Lynd, Le Lecter, Dame Miles, and others.
Comte: Again we meet, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou dost bear a scar, Comte, 'tis my hope it doth not hurt thee too much.
Comte: Nay, though the acquisition of it did not bring me pleasure, or indeed Pleasence.
Sir James: In this castle I knowest thou hath hidden the fair Madeleine.
Comte: Yea, and thine task it shall be to find her ere this castle shall be laid waste to.
(It is night, and the Comte de Blofeld harangues Sir James.)
Comte: 'Ere the rooster crows thrice, Lady Madeleine shall be reduced to naught. There is Greek fire placed in all nooks and crannies in 'this castle, hence it will go up in flames faster than a Greek royal treasure chest. So shal't thou save thyself and live with the pain, or attempt to save ye fair lady and fail in thy task? Heheh.
Sir James: Vile Comte, not Sir, - alas (nor Savalas) thou be! Grr.
Comte: Thou speak truly Sir James, and to thy task I commend you like a brother who knows thy secret switches...
(Exit the Comte stage left, as the rooster begins its first crow. Sir James withdraws his sword and races through the castle, until he spies ye fair maiden astride her throne)
Sir James: Lady Madeleine! (He plucks her from ye throne and, running, espies the absence of a central spiral staircase through which he plots his escape)
Sir James: Fair Lady, dost thou trust me?
Lady Madeleine: Do I have a choice?
Sir James: Hmm, the very words the Lady Camille spoke to me when I as't her show me ye Green Lord's Tierra Project... And look how that worked out...
Act 6, Scene 6. The River Thames.
(Sir James and Maid Madeleine doth pursue the Comte de Blofeld in boats)
Comte: Thou shalt not surpass mine vessel, Sir James!
Sir James: So sure art thou, Comte de Blofeld...?
Maid Madeleine: His ship is out of reach of thine sword, Sir James, our pursuit ist doomed to fail.
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, give unto me thine nailfile.
(Sir James aims carefully and with an accuracy which doth astound certain members he striketh the most vulnerable spot on the Comte's vessel, forcing him onto land at Tower Bridge.)
Sir James: Now I have thee!
Comte: Then let it be finished now. Slay me, Sir James!
(Sir James looks around to spy Maid Madeleine at one end of ye bridge, and Sir Gareth at ye other. Both beckon and await.)
Sir James: Nay, Comte, thou shalt.... die another day.
Comte: (Groans) Nay, for Madonna I cannot bear.
Sir James: Marry, even worse it could be- thou shalt have to find... another way to die!
Comte: Oh please, nay, not that one... I prithee, slay me!
(Sir James walks to Maid Madeleine, and the two doth enter his silver carriage, miraculously repaired by the Young Wizard. They ride off.)
Sir James Bond shalt return
The work of (in alphabetical order)
Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, James Suzuki, Number 24, and @Thunderpussy.