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> After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress.
> And two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
>
> 'Kin ya swaller?', asked Kenzie.
>
> The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
>
> 'Kin ya breathe?', asked Brian.
>
> The woman shook her head No!!!
> By now the woman had turned blue and was obviously choking.
>
> With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her
> bum.
>
> This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
>
> Kennzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
>
> Brian said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I've ever seen it done.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna ... numba 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks.........
"You want..."The Beef with broccoli ??"
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee plus 9 doughnuts at the same time.
Who's the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last doughnut !!
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight
started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.......
Dad: Thats your 21st tonight
Johnny: But my rooms still on fire
Steve was not to bright and unemployed
He saw a flyer wanted for robbery on the police station
he went in and applied for the job
broken in to and all the SatNavs were stolen.
A taskforce has been set up and is
looking for Leeds.
Q: Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings
with Miami Sound Machine?
A: Gloria Leicesterfan.
There's a new vegetarian snack food on
sale in Korea. It‚s called Not Poodle.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am
this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88mph.
Probably going back to the Fuhrer.
A man walks in to the doctors and says,
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".
The doctor looks at him and says,
"Sorry, I don't follow you".
Q: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic,
transvestite?
A: She just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
Got a text from a bored housewife saying
she wanted some hot action.
So I sent her my ironing.
It was so cold this morning I had to scrape the
ice off my windscreen with my Homebase discount
card. It wasn't much use though - I only got 10% off.
Just got a new aftershave that smells
of breadcrumbs.
The birds love it.
My racing snail was not winning races
any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work. If anything
it made him more sluggish.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to
grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when England
win the world cup."
"You crafty cock!" said the fairy.
Q: What did the Scottish epileptic little person
get for his birthday?
A: A Wii fit.
Q: What is a pirate's favourite shop?
A: Arrrrrrrgos.
Q: What's the world's most dangerous ocean?
A: Hepatitis C.
Q: What's the world's most dangerous insect?
A: Hepatitis B.
Q: What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?
A: Amal Shukup.
A: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
Q: He worked it our with a pencil.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
A guy sacked from the dodgems is taking his
employers to court.
He's claiming funfair dismissal.
I went to a casino last night and was stood next
to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win
after win after win. I couldn't believe his luck,
then saw he was stood on what looked like
a bit of bread.
I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"
He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."
Q. What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan?
A. The Talibanana.
Q: Why did Frosty go and live in the middle
of the ocean?
A: Because snowman is an island.
Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man
Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has
been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Q: What is Grand Master Flash's
favourite website?
A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
Q: How do find Will Smith when he's
lost in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints.
Did you hear the one about the Chinese couple
who had an albino baby?
Doctors said it was impossible as two wongs
can't make a white.
Someone asked me the other day;
'What's your pet hate?'
I said, 'It doesn't really like things
shoved up its....
Tried to keep it clean but couldn't help myself.
'Dear God, I am a poor old lady recently widowed , I've just been struck down with a life threatening disease, my life savings have all been lost, my house is being repossessed and my possesions stolen in a recent burglary, I have been good all my life and have asked for nothing in return, but could you please send me £50 so that I can provide Christmas gifts for my grandchildren'.
The postmen were terribly moved by this letter and decided to have a collection round the office and managed to raise £45 between them, they promptly stuck it in a plain envelope and delivered to the lady's address the next day.
A week after Christmas another letter arrived from the lady, it read:
'Dear God, thank you for your kindness, the money ensured I and my family had a wonderful Christmas, by the way it was £5 short, those thieving b*stards at the post office must of nicked it!'
And then it came back to me!
Did a crap and buried himself!
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to deal with his wife?...
No idea? X_X
Ouch.
Santa's elves: subordinate clauses.
Athiesm: a non-prophet organisation.
Apparently he got the sack!
It' makes you Rodger Moore !
Who's there?
GESTAPO!
gravestone and the flowers around it
removed as a mark of respect.
That just leaves a small hole and no bush.
It's what he would have wanted.
I've trained the dog to bring me a
glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
Q. What do you get if you cross Prince
Charles and Queen Elizabeth?
A. Killed in a tunnel...
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma’s Breasts
( – )( – ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart’s Breasts
(oYo) Wonderbra breasts
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails' and 'highballs'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.