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1000mile Euro-trip in the Lotus Esprit turbo to find my old Spectre Defender..
Jeremy Clarkson racing Vin Diesel
The DB Speedback GT - Fifth Gear
By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, Jan. 24)
If you are going to get coronavirus — and, let's be frank, you are — now would be a great time. Because you can just sit in your bedroom eating cheese and drinking wine, knowing that even if you could get up there's nowhere to go and nothing to do.
Stupidly I caught the bloody thing on December 22, which meant I missed Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and the game shoot I host every year for my neighbours and their children. And, to make matters worse, I was also unable to drive my new Bentley.
In the summer I spent many happy hours with an extremely keen salesman, who had plainly learnt his customer-relations skills from British Airways' cabin staff, choosing what sort of leather I'd like and what sort of wood. "Any American walnut for yourself at all, sir?"
Eventually, after a seven-month wait, it arrived: the very first new Flying Spur V8 to roll off the surprisingly busy production line. I was very happy and leapt about in the yard, clutching my tinkle and making satisfied "ohhh" noises as I pushed and pulled the deeply chromed organ-stop vent knobs. My grandfather always had Bentleys and I think he'd be pleased to know his grandson has gone down the same road.
But I couldn't go down the road. I couldn't even go down the stairs. All I could do was sit by the bedroom window, looking at its big shiny disc brakes becoming rusty and brown. It worried me that it would feel sad, having been delivered to its new home, only to find its new owner obviously wasn't interested. As if it had gone to one of those Middle Eastern types who buy a Ferrari and then leave it in an airport car park for five years.
After days, when I was finally allowed out of the bottle bank my bedroom had become, I was desperate to go somewhere, but, unfortunately, my timing was off again. Because the third great lockdown had begun. So I had been confined to barracks and now, even though I was a walking antibody, I was confined to barracks again.
Happily I was allowed to go to the village shop for newspapers and milk, but it felt wrong somehow to use a Bentley for such a trivial job. It would be like flying to Jersey in a space shuttle. So, because my old Range Rover was in hospital having new turbochargers fitted, I decided to use the car I'd been sent to test over yuletide. And which had also been sitting around doing nothing for two weeks.
It was a dark blue BMW 5-series of some kind. Yes, I noticed as I got in that it had an M badge on the front wing, but that doesn't mean anything any more, because BMW puts M badges on every damn thing these days. I bet if you go to the lavatory at its head office in Munich the bog rolls come with a Motorsport logo.
Sure enough, when I pushed the starter button the engine burst into life with all the excitement and pizzazz of a Welsh parliament committee meeting on road safety initiatives. And having pulled the gearlever backwards twice to make the car go forwards, I dribbled down the drive thanking God for the heated steering wheel. And nothing else.
When I came out of the shop I noticed that on the boot lid it said M550i, but again that doesn't mean a lot these days. There was a time when the first number told you what sort of BMW it was and the last two how big the engine was. A 325, for example, was a 3-series with a 2.5-litre engine. A 730 was a 7-series with a 3-litre engine. But now BMW plucks the last two numbers out of a bag.
To prove the point to myself, I waited until I reached the bottom of my drive before having a "told you so" stab on the throttle. And, oh my God, did I get a surprise. Because this quiet, unassuming, four-door saloon took off as if it had been hit up the backside by Thor's hammer. You thought the last M5 was quick? This thing gives it a run for its money.
Further investigations revealed a 4.4-litre turbocharged V8 under the bonnet that produces almost no noise at all, and 523 horsepowers, which are sent through an eight-speed gearbox to all four corners.
That's why it had set off so quickly. Because it's immensely powerful and has four-wheel drive. Over the next few days the weather did all the beastly things it can do in the winter, which meant that the Bentley continued to sit outside my house and I went everywhere in that astonishing BMW.
Oh, and don't think it's just an understudy stopgap until the new M5 comes along, because it's more than that. Frankly, I reckon the M5 will just be a 550i with added noise and discomfort.
Soon I began to hunt around for things to dislike, but there was nothing. I've not enjoyed the steering feel in high-performance BMWs of late — the last M3 I drove was shockingly bad — but this was quick when you wanted it to be quick and soft when you didn't. It's the same story with the ride and the handling. Without touching any of the buttons that alter the suspension, it was darty and agile on country roads and felt like a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy on the motorway.
The seats were perfect, the driving position was perfect, and you didn't have to be Bill Gates or 12 years old to find your way round the infotainment system. What's more, the headlights are capable of illuminating Exeter, even if you're in Norwich, there's tons of room in the back, and you get more space in the boot than you do in the back of a Lincoln Continental.
And it's all wrapped up in a body that's so completely devoid of showiness that you can drive around in a pandemic and no one notices. Audi and Mercedes do cars similar to this, but both of them make Tarzan noises and have Dynasty shoulder pad wheel arch extensions. The Beemer, meanwhile, makes no attempt at all even to hint at the power it can deploy. I really liked that.
I suppose at this point I should mention that there are lots of new 5-series models. There's a diesel and a plug-in hybrid, and even the cooking models come with some kind of polar-bear-friendly recharging system that's not interesting. Unless you enjoy talking about benefits in kind. But the stand-out star is the faultless and fabulous M550i.
That said, I was very happy to see the back of it. Because, finally, I could take my new Bentley for a drive. We went to the post office yesterday. Today I shall take it to Burford to drop off some jam. These are exciting times.
Thanks for posting though, the BM sounds good.
devoid of Styling more like it.
I'd rather have the Esprit or the DB Speedback GT.
I think that BM looks perfectly fine.
I do agree that most Jags are better looking than the competition, although they have a new designer now so we'll have to see where they go.
https://www.cnet.com/roadshow/news/2022-bmw-i4-ev-prototype-drifting/
1. The navigation system should be subtle and not distract you from traffic. A long moving line of LEDs that illuminates the whole cabin as an indicator to turn left on the next road is too much for me.
2. And why should the lights go on and off when the computer talks to you? That is unnecessarily distracting and more a gadget reminiscient of HAL 9000.
3. By the way, why do computer voices still have to sound like yoga teachers? It is time to inject them with a bit of passion, I think. Somebody, somewhere must be working at this, I wonder.
VW has already launched a sub-optimal user interface into production for the ID.3, they urgently need to fix that first.
What does seem a bit pointless is the really slow voice command for turning the heater on: there's nothing wrong with a button. Although I guess I can see the slight advantage in voice command- it is useful with Alexa and all that.
I hate the idea of these modern cars where things are controlled through a touch interface- the idea of having to look away from the road and not to be able to feel for a control seems a crazy one.
Anyway, Harry's driven the GR Yaris and I must admit I'd really like one! :) It looks like so much fun. Crazy road tax though.
Yes i think they (line of LEDs) would be distracting and a gimmick that the VW boffins have come up with is one that i do not aspire to but i'm sure they will sell well.
Also that touch screen and voice recog stuff (with that silly voice) doesn't seem to work well from reviews of the car i have seen.
Also the names vw are using id3,id4 etc put me off buying one of these and the exterior interior designs are not the best.
It's a tricky time to buy a new car with petrol powered cars becoming old tech and the EV's coming in to replace them after over 100 years of ice's.
Are you a jag fan ?
Because my boss had one. Me, I had to make do with an old (1968) Renault 4
Not quite the same thing. :(
I used to like the xj and xjs.
That is a beautiful car.
My dad used to have one identical to this:
No 81 of 100, built to celebrate their victory at Le Mans. It had a V12, and when I would drive it it would get up to 90mph and feel like you were doing 40!
I always thought that in its grey colour, with its slightly brutish looks and its huge engine, it's the sort of thing Fleming's Bond would have driven in the 90s! :D
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaguar_Mark_2#240_and_340
As for the XJS, it was not Bond's car, but it became Simon Templar's car in The Return of the Saint, as well as Gambit's in The New Avengers.
Sorry, but I totally disagree. The worst aberration of taste in Jaguar history. I used to have one in my neighbourhood, until about 12 years ago. The owner also had a Double-Six, and it was like fire and water. But of course, there's no accounting for taste.
Jeremy Clarkson Explains Jaguar Owners
So basically... Terry-Thomas, Leslie Phillips and Nigel Havers? Sounds about right. ;)
Those weren't XJR-Ss though ;)
Gosh no, I think they've aged extremely well. They're of their time and I think they look great now.
In terms of the worst aberration of taste in Jaguar's book, I think history won't be kind to the 90s S-Type, and to a lesser extent the X-Type. Horrible retro things. The XK8 had an eye on the past as well, but I think added enough of what was then current to make it a good design.