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I just want to say that I haven't seen this train wreck in it's entirety in atleast 7 or 8 years so I'm going by memory and a few review videos. Otherwise I think I could've listed several hundred on my own.
This film doesn't deserve a tagline in,
Things We've Learned from…..Die Another Day
1) Remember back on the TND list when I said "some Bond film is better than no Bond film"? I take it back.
2) Apparently Bond can fire a bullet perfectly down the barrel of a sniper rifle.
3) Bond sure is lucky the North Koreans didn't open the briefcase from the other side.
4) Evidently Bond's assignation plan was either to blow up the diamond briefcase on the spot and hope nobody suspected him of anything or get miles away and telepathically know when Moon was in the explosive's very small blast radius. Either way it's full-proof.
5) Being a North Korean anger therapist comes with some pretty severe occupational hazards.
6) Moon's soldiers will continue cleaning up shop even after a series of explosions and gunfire.
7) The filmmaker's choice of using Madonna's song for the credits was a stroke of genius as it truly put the viewer in Bond's shoes and helped empathize with his merciless torture.
8) Bond can spend 14 months in a North Korean prison eating nothing but stale bread and fish heads and inexplicably come out fatter than we've seen him in quite a while.
9) The legendary 007, a seasoned secret agent who has escaped from some of the most impenetrable fortresses in the world in mere hours, will be completely incapable of escaping from a simple North Korean prison that's locks are probably held together by chewing gum.
10) Michael Madsen is incapable of playing anyone other than Michael Madsen.
11) 14 Months of brutal torture will leave no serious injuries or physical scaring. Only a bad liver which wasn't even the Korean's fault to begin with meaning that Bond's alcoholism damaged Bond more than anything Moon's soldiers did.
12) M will have no qualms with leaving Bond to rot in a hellish North Korean torture chamber despite the fact that he is the very man who saved the world on multiple occasions and saved M's life as recently as the previous film.
13) During Bond's 14 month stay at club torture Bond developed the superpower to stop and start his own heart at will.
14) After escaping from his MI6 captors, Bond will wisely decide to lay low at a 5 star hotel that he is known to frequent right across the bay from the ship that he just escaped from.
15) Bond can completely wipe away any physical, mental, or emotional trauma from his year plus torture stint with a haircut, some lobster, and his trusty Norelco electric razor.
16) Evidently Ian Fleming and Raul share the same taste in bird watching books.
17) Halle Barry should have legally been required to return her Oscar after her performance in this.
18) Halle Barry is no Ursula Andres.
19) Purvis and Wade should've paid some sort of fine to the screen writer's guild for all the horrid cheesy puns and innuendoes.
20) Jinx likes to bring a small knife and some food with her to bed for a mid-sex snack.
21) Apparently Cuba, of all places, has medical facilities so advanced and cutting-edge that they can change your appearance and even your race by altering your DNA.
22) Altering your DNA will change your physical appearance without any external surgery.
23) Cuba really needs some better security cameras.
24) Bond's suit will shrink in a matter of minutes after getting wet.
25) It was a ballsey move on the producer's part with the constant references to the classic Bond films of the past decades. That's like seeing ads for The Godfather or the Star Wars Trilogy while watching re-runs of Full House.
26) A Madonna cameo is not welcome in any film…ever.
27) Gustav Graves can tell if a pebble sized diamond is a flawless specimen by looking at it for 2 seconds with his naked eye.
28) The local police and the country club will be perfectly fine with Bond and Graves destroying said country club during their extremely dangerous torso cutting sword fight provided the loser pays for the damages.
29) John Cleese is no Desmond Llewelyn.
30) Q-Branch keeps gadgets that are decades old in safe storage.
31) After killing Rosa Klebb, Bond took her shoe as a keepsake and eventually gave it to Q-Branch.
32) An invisible car……..I don't really think I have to say anything else.
33) Someone at EON thought calling the Vanquish the Vanish was the coolest idea ever. This person was probably 12 years old.
34) Human body heat will sufficiently heat a castle made entirely of ice to such a degree women can wear cocktail dressed and be completely comfortable.
35) Colonel Moon was able to completely change his identity, alter his physical appearance, obtain his fortune, build a multi-national multi-billion dollar corporation, carefully craft his public persona, and lastly construct a giant laser in outer space all inside of less time than it takes to get an associates degree from a community college.
36) Gustav Graves developed a machine that allows him to live without needing to sleep. All he needs to do is stay hooked up to said machine for several hours while he is completely unable to work or do anything else.
37) The subtleties of flirting had become completely lost on Bond since his time in North Korea as he basically just bluntly asks women to have sex with him in this film.
38) Gustav Graves' trained henchmen will not notice a set of car tracks in the snow right behind them following them.
39) Bond and Miranda Frost will keep up the charade of being lovers by having sex in Bond's room despite the fact that no one was there to witness this charade thusly accomplishing nothing.
40) The great 007 will not notice the woman he just had sex with emptying his gun.
41) The legendary 007 will not notice that he's walking around with lighter bullet-less gun.
42) Evidently Bond is completely immune to freezing cold ice water.
43) A laser pointed 6 inches away from Jinx's head will take several minutes before it's moved 3 inches closer.
44) A small ridge of ice in the ground is enough to stop a rocket skimmer going well over 300 miles per hour dead in it's tracks and to a complete halt.
45) The CGI during the wind-surfing scene made the rear projection during the car chase in Dr. No look like a feast for the eyes in comparison.
46) Apparently one can hide behind something that is already invisible.
47) An ejector seat exerts enough force to completely flip around a car.
48) The film will use the tired old "get the point" joke in relation to a sharp object not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES!!!
49) Bond can shake off getting shocked with thousands of volts of electricity as easily as he can shake off 14 months of brutal torture.
50) Jinx can defeat an olympic level fencer in a sword fight and suffer only a cut along the stomach as a consequence.
51) Jinx's cut along her torso will appear and reappear at random.
52) Brosnan's Bond should be commended on showing remarkable restraint by not groping Miranda Frost's dead body despite the fact that it was clearly on his mind.
53) The film will completely discard the revamped stronger and more independent characterization of Moneypenny all in favor of cheesy penis joke that either came from the mind of a 14 year old or someone who is emotionally 14.
54) It was actually possible for me to leave a Bond film unhappy.
55) This series needed a new Bond and major retooling ASAP.
My apologies. I change the title of the thread before I type the list. And as you can see above, this last one was a doozy. It took a little while.
No worries, I was just wondering, but you made up for that in 55 fine points..
56) Q-branch issues ringfingers as well.
57) If your car is invisible, you also can't hear it's V12 engine start up or run.
58) when Bond goes tsunami-surfing he manages to fly with his kite so far that the water is beyond the horizon.
59) The eyes of Jinx and Bond have no problems looking in concentrated sunlight in the middle of the night, whilst everyone else dons sunglasses.
60) Not only does Moon/GG manage to become a millionaire, change his DNA etc, in about the same time as it takes MI6 to bail Bond out, he manages to be knighted by the queen as well.
62. Gene therapy works exactly like plastic surgery. And recasting.
63. Q will not ask why secretary Moneypenny is using the VR headset designed for field work.
64. This movie suffers from the lack of Valentine Zukofsky and his world class ability to make innuendo.
65. The parahawks were genius compared to the wind surfing.
66. Toby Stephens' acting is wonderful, but still can't save this film.
68. And those fruits certainly do bounce.
69. Anyway, she doesn't need a flamethrower to raise the temperature of any room.
(Yes, I watch "Brainiac". Oh, and what Bob Hope said to Jayne Mansfield was : "Thanks for the mammaries !". Ka-ching ! )
74. Surfing was still hot in 2002.
75. Just before the US will decide to invade the Middle East for oil, MI6 will poke the dragon in North Korea by trying to assassinate a colonel when his father is obviously a higher priority target.
76. Said father is so indoctrinated in the North Korean cause, he will send his son to the West for an education.
81. EON were concerned initially that they could not compete with Bourne, so went in the completely opposite direction, competing with XXX and Inspector Gadget
82. Barbara Broccoli, after seeing the final cut of this film, finally woke up and realized that she had literally been defecating on her father's legacy for the past three to four years - the next film would set things right
85. Rosamund Pike should have phoned it in - she stood out like a sore thumb because she was actually acting in a what can only be described as a farce.
86. Pierce Brosnan chose the wrong movie to give his best performance as James Bond
87. Tobey Stephens was about to destroy what once was a promising acting career.
84. People will continue to read the paper in spite of it getting slashed in half
85. Purvis and Wade apparently wrote a great ending similar to the novel Moonraker which was thrown out because Tamhori wanted action
86. Mechanical suits give jedi powers
87. A man will kill his own father to prove how evil he is
88. said father won't see his own murder coming even though it was obvious
89. Halle Berry was a Jinx to this film
90. The Villain with all his talk of intelligence still isn't smart enough to just shoot the hero
91. Why give cutting edge stuff to an abandoned agent? Heck why is cutting edge stuff developed Not in Mi6 but in some underground ralway station?
92. The New Q is kind of odd
93. Lame titles like Die Another Day are Lame
94. and shoehorned into the plot
96. Take the best original level in The World is Not Enough N64 game and turn it into a VR simulation, you get what is probably the most exciting part of the film. And Moneypenny is dead.
97. After getting cubed in Resident Evil, Charles Robinson somehow came back from the dead and did all of nothing.
98. Michael Madsen is apparently qualified to run the NSA, which doesn't actually have field agents, but what the hell, let's send Halle Berry out anyway! That can't possibly go wrong.
99. Graves was somehow fighting gravity, and not the engine of the jet that he was sucked into.
It is a name to die for.
107. That a reboot was inevitable and urgently necessary
(correcting numbering)
111. When Zao pretends to be Darth Vader.
113. Unfortunately, Lee Tamahori is not a great director.
114. Poor Moneypenny. Her last scene still makes me angry.
115. Tamahori destroys his own argument regarding the "codename theory" by having a scene filled with gadgets from earlier missions.
My hero. Thankyou good sir :)
Very true. In alot of ways I consider DAD to be the Jaws The Revenge of the Brosnan films. A forth entry that starts off promisingly enough to make one believe that they're in for the best film since the first (or GE in Brosnan's case) but after about 15 to 20 mins in things quickly begin to go off the rails. And by the time we get to the second act everything has gone to hell.
Really? Could you elaborate some more. Sounds interesting.
My hat is off to you all. You've really pulled out the stops with some hilarious entries. And now DAD takes it's rightful place on top after effortlessly shattering NSNA's record. Let's see if we can make it to 150. We're up to #117 by my count.
117) Altering your DNA will inexplicably cause you to grow several inches in height.
118) Miranda Frost ending up as an MI6 turncoat was easily the most predictable double-turn in the history of the Bond films, if not all of spy movies.
119) At some point between 1999 and 2002 Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli completely lost their minds. Fortunately they were nursed back to sanity by 2005.
120) Toby Stevens, Judi Dench, and Rosmand Pike were islands of class in an ocean of stupidity.
122) Running behind a taxing cargo plane, and catching it is quite effortless.
123) Flying said cargo plane through an intense beam of sunlight will only cause the plane to catch fire and smoulder for a while. It will not cause any severe damage until Bond and Jinx have to escape
124) Lying on a pile of diamonds post and or pre making love is hot?
125) NSA agents also like to sprout quips in the face of death similar to their British secret service counterparts.
128. This movie is so g*ddamn bad, we have actually begun going backwards with the numbers.