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So I have now embarked on a mission to watch every . single . film that has Steven Seagal in it. That's a staggering total of 55 flicks, folks! And I'm about halfway already. I've now hit the bottom of Seagal's direct-to-video era. Incomprehensible scripts, body doubles, bad acting, worse photography, and Seagal's lines overdubbed by guys who sound like a drunk Martin Sheen or Clint Eastwood with a cold (not a Colt, a cold, as in a 'sounds like someone who killed his throat after coughing for weeks' cold.) It's taking its toll, I must admit. I need painkillers, psychiatric assistance, and comfort food (though I'm trying my best not to end up quite as bloated as Seagal.) Because I am not like Seagal. I am a humble maggot; if I was a quarter of the man Seagal is, I could--hold on, I am a quarter of the man Seagal is.
At least there are a few good films in the list. Under Siege and--okay, Under Siege then. And Machete, which barely qualifies as a Seagal film. Executive Decision isn't bad, but that's hardly a Seagal film either. I guess Above The Law, Hard To Kill (with the famous blood bank line), Out For Justice, Marked For Death, Under Siege 2, and--I'm stretching now--On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below aren't all that bad either. A couple more are bonkers but seriously entertaining.
And then we have loads of disastrously bad films that all seem to have been made in 2005, then loads more from 2006, still loads more from 2009--you get the idea. And Seagal is always kinda there (with fake Sheen or fake Eastwood voice) but others are clearly doing the heavy lifting. What's especially intriguing to me (I wrote "intriguing", not "funny" or "annoying", and I wrote it because I meant it, because this is turning into a scientific quest for me, "Seagalogy" remember?) is that some people are still willing to pump over 10 million dollars in these films, that our human meatball Seagal still tries to sell himself as this alpha male whom all women want to sleep with, that these films all pretty much tell the same story, and that they are still making just enough money from rentals and DVD sales to keep going. (I plead guilty; then again, as a Seagalogy student, I need my research material, right?)
If his ego wouldn't get in the way, Seagal could easily land cool parts in more successful theatrical films like The Expendables. The problem is that he insists on taking control, on being the good guy--always--on not dying unless it happens off-screen or "gallantly". Machete came closest to showing us a more relaxed, self-reflective, in-on-the-joke side of Seagal. I had hopes. Just like The Hoff, he could have taken himself less seriously and chewed up the scenery as an OTT bad guy, as a washed-up has-been, as a buffoonish character.
But Seagal prefers to be the king of low-rent trash instead of being a memorable side character in films that actually have substantial commercial merit. Steven just keeps squeezing dry oranges for the "fame" only he believes is still there. Meanwhile, calling himself a close friend of the Dalai Lama while "representing" America in the public circles of Putin, isn't doing him any favours. Accusations of sexual misconduct from a ton of actresses are piling up like an ugly car crash site. Seagal is also a deputy sheriff, a country/blues singer and guitarist, and the proud owner of an energy drink. Let's face it: he's not like us, mere mortals.
But I'll give him three things. He really could get some awesome kicks in back in the day; his aikido career as a "gaijin" in Japan seems to have astonished a number of people in the '80s. Hey, good for you, Steven. I'm genuinely impressed. He also got married to Kelly LeBrock. The Kelly LeBrock:
I mean, that's like seducing your favourite centrefold into marriage. Why Steven, you charming man, you! I'm once again genuinely impressed. Lastly, he pushed through, regardless of all those critics taking acidic dumps on every film he's ever been in bar one or two. I would be able to shrug it off a few times but not close to 50 times! Being the object of public hatred for three decades would seriously kill my self-esteem, man. But not Steven Seagal, who is not merely above the law, but also above negative criticism--persistent, cruel, harsh negative criticism. That's what makes him that guy, I suppose. His buddhism must really help to assuage the pain.
In conclusion, Seagal's films are, for the most part, bad--nay, terrible--movies. So terrible, in fact, that one spontaneously desires to evacuate one's bowels while watching them, or take out one's anger on innocent squirrels, or donate money to Marjory Taylor Green's campaigns. Fighting agony with anger, or something like that. But at least there's always the reward of reading Vern's delicious review afterwards. That's what keeps me going. I'm a man on a mission. I'm working hard to earn my PhD in Seagalogy. I'm also deeply concerned because Seagal hasn't made a single film since 2019 anymore. Has Putin told him to stop producing these weapons of mass disappointment? Has Seagal at age 70 decided that 55 films should earn him a lifetime achievement award? Or has Satan really heard my prayers? Whatever he's doing right now, wherever he is or whoever he's coercing into some serious "doing-it", I wish him, his ego, and his ponytail the best of luck. For he is the man, the legend, the hero, the god. He is Steven Seagal, y'all. Who or what are you, huh?
"I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator. The blood bank."
DUM
DUM
DUM-DUM-DUM
(looks at shoe)
That's the famous line from Hard To Kill, @mattjoes. ;-)
I'll only venture very lightly into DTV Seagal territory. Not even Vern's comments can make me watch too much of them.
Edit: And in Machete, Seagal still can't present himself as somewhat vulnerable. He has to kill himself saying the machete in his stomach "is nothing."
---The Good
1. Under Siege (1992)
2. Nico (1988)
3. Out For Justice (1991)
4. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
5. Exit Wounds (2001)
6. Pistol Whipped (2008)
7. Fire Down Below (1997)
---The Bad
8. Out Of Reach (2004)
9. The Keeper (2009)
10. Into The Sun (2005)
11. Against The Dark (2009)
12. Flight Of Fury (2007)
13. Submerged (2005)
---The Ugly
14. Beyond The Law (2019)
15 . End Of A Gun (2016)
16. Born To Raise Hell (2010)
17. Sniper: Special Ops (2016)
If I watch any more, I will have to start double billing them with JCVD films, to give me the strength to keep going. ;) [/Seagal southern accent]
You might need something stronger than Jean-Claude Van Damme to balance the DTV quality of Seagal’s output. Try Ingmar Bergman.
[Seagal southern accent]You mean that artsy-fartsy Swedish movie guy? I'd rather suffer this fate.
[/Seagal southern accent]
In fact, this thread should be the only one in the entire website. All Bond films should be discussed here. All of us crammed together, eh, folks?
It would be a bit...tidier.
I hope there is some extra cheese with the pizza this film is serving, 😂!!!
You've ruined Bugs Bunny for me!!!! :))
That IS Bugs Bunny. And he is going to take you to the bank, doc. The carrot bank.
Ah, Seagal shows up again, with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season. Or a fat expert on Buddhanature.
Steven Seagal
as
Gino Ginollini
in
The Carrot Muncher
"The first bite is always the toughest."
What's up, Doc?
Men that dye their hair show the folly of vanity. Dyed hair never looks good on men and it always looks artificial. It stands out like a sore thumb. I really don't know why men can't just grow old gracefully but I suppose the ego gets in the way of that.
Grey usually looks good on a man.
Yes, I've been going grey/white at the temples for a good few years now as well as grey being peppered through the rest of my hair. I'd never think of dyeing my hair but I know men who do.
I suppose the Force has got a lot of power. ;)