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Comments
If people choose to post on an English speaking forum then how is it my fault they don't understand? Are you suggesting we all speak pidgin English to accomodate people who are still learning how to say 'Please can you tell me the way to the station'?
Personally I don't frequent the popular African Bond forum 'Call Me Bwana' because I don't speak Swahili, even though I hear they have some very robust debate and also have no issue with you posting pics!
All that you say is true and you guys on here do, on the whole and EON kowtowing excepted, do a good job refereeing these forums so us Zlatans can go out there and showboat to the adoring millions!!
You are of course completely correct. The best way to deal with this atrocity of a thread is to IFM. It's just that sometimes some games are just too fun not to play.
Not at all Draggers. Keep flagging!
How is this worse than other fan fiction?
Agreed. This story is great fun.
You should be. :)
Note : Please re-read chapter 9, I won't hold your hand on the plot now. :)
Chapter 10
THE DEATH IS IN THE DETAILS
Ms words bounced up and down in Bond's head. "A licence to kill is also a licence not to kill. Stop shooting dogs Bond." Bond remmembered having to put his own dog down when he was young, and this was his first kill, long before he was a 00,
Dead M smiled from betwixt the glittering red candles, her frozen grin almost laughing at his misfortune. What did she know who Bond didn't? If the silly bitch had been more honest with him, more forth-with, none of this twisty misunderdistng backpedal retcons from the past would be spilling out in this tiny littel room in the centre of the African desert nowhere.
It occured to Bond he had enought time to shoot Dandies instead of the dog before anyone could do anything. But was it worth the risk? - Every other member of NAOBOB still alive at the dinnertable. Afterthought would surely break Bond's neck moments later. No, no, no, it wasn't worth the death of him to kill Sam Dandies. He knew that much. Anyhow, Bond liked to have a littel fun with his kills these days. No snoring point blank bullet was enough for him anymore; his baffled interlude on London Bridge with Baby Brother Blofeld had proven that much.
How exoticly should he shoot the dog? Blow it out at the kneecaps then aim for the head? Make it dance with a hail of bullets? Or a merciful shot in the heart? Bond wasnt sure what to do - but he knew he couldn't risk losing Dandie's affection. He woudl surely lose his 00 number for shooting an animal in full view of the lovely agent N. And could he bring himself to shoot a dog on its birthday?
"Well James?" Dandies blathered. "Make your decision, prove your loyalty to NAOBOB. Prove me you mean it."
Bond took a deep breath. He had made up his mind.
He raised the gun slowly, closed his eyes, and pulled the trigger.
Defeaning silence filled the room following the gun's single sharp expletive.
He opened his eyes.
Bond had shot the birthday hat off the dog's head. He lowered his gun and turned to face his host.
"The one thing I know about fashion," Bond said, 'Is that one's clothing is an extension of one's being. Consider the puppy shot."
Dandies began to laugh. Ahoohoohoohoo. Ahahaha. Aheha. AHAHOUHAOAHFOA
"Good one James, perhaps a spot for you in my organtization after all. Would you like to design some items for me? Perhaps a 00-brand cologne to wear underscarf. In fact," Dandies shot the dog then turned and shot N, "If I could shove you under my armpits I would do so everyday." Lovely Britney Birthday dazzled into the room and admonished each member of NAOBOB with a bowl of ice cream duflee served in a razberry drazzle du jour, with crackle sauce and skull flowers. "DIG IN BOYS!" Dandies shouted.
Bond felt a sickness in his stomach at what had just happened. He produced expensive sunglasses to hide it.
He gave his dessert a splash of bourbon and dug in as instructed.... He was now NAOBOB, and there was no turning back until the beast had been bedded, disinfected, and dissected, now and forever more.
The end but what a second..... tiny dots of drazzle decoratated Bond's ice cream. He coulnd't help but notice they spelled out a message in morse code: "Meet me in room 8." AHA! tooguhtuh Bond. He smooshed it down with his spoon to hide the message. Bond noticed it took a little too much effort to remember what it said thogh. What a strange moment. It all connects to a very dark secret Bond was keeping from the people who matter most..... his friends.
"Well James, soon you have a new wardrobe and a blood transfusion, yes I know about those MI6 sirens in your blood. Also tomorrow Afterthought will give you a tour of the facility, and you ll learn about Operation Forbidden Fruit." Dandies pushed his ice cream away and raised his eyes. "Who knows, the day may even end in a big bang to shake the coast for a crappy little island a little bit of privacy from the biggest explosion ever put to film."
Bond yawned. (:| "So what exactly your connectioin to dead M please?"
Dandies fingered his mouth. "Let's not get ahead of ourselfves. It's been a long day. And we have another one tomorrow. Cya."
The shadowed members of NAOBOB descended into the cold stone floor with bowls of ice cream in tow, as each chairs shuttled off to different parts of the bilding. And Bond wondered what fresh spread of death awaited him tomrorow.
Meanwhile in London, Miss Moneypenny reported N's death. M was so angry he swallowed his pipe.
THE END
of
CHAPTER 10
but
JAMES BOND WIL RETUNR
in
FOLLY LEMON MOON
Coming Soon.
*Sex Scene Coming Soon*
Can't help feeling it would have been preferable for the world had Hitler been resurrected instead.
No doubt The Times Literary Supplement will be on the phone to the incomparable @IGUANNA for an interview any day soon.
http://www.the-tls.co.uk/
Chapter 11
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Bond past a few doors on his way to a room for the night.... But he hear gentle streams of sax sirening out from beneath a door crack. He sauntered over to door number 8. Britney Birthday! She was toodling Amazing Grace in a gentle trendition. He threw open the door and cartwheeled into the room.
Britney's eyes were crying. "Hello James, she sobbed from beneath a bedblanket.
"Hello Britney why are you crying ?"
"Sam Dandies killed my Seaside Whippet you met earlier."
"Really? Thats horrible Miss Birthday,"
"Can we let my guns be bygones James?" she intimated through wet eyes
"Sorry but I can't forget that you stealing my car from me in Africa darling."
"That was Afterthought that did that." Her eyes were quickly drying off, her words like brittle toothpicks. "And besides, you need be thankful he only wanted to give you a new Aston midsection. I wanted to paint it pink."
Bond's eyes blew out. "You wouldbe in for a spanking if you done that"
Bond had noticed how freakin tight her body was. Damn he thought. Sploosh!
She looked a little like the actor Gillian Jacobs from used to be good then turned horrible NBC television show Community. Recently seen in a new show on Netflix called Love which I could'nt even get past the first episode thats how bad it was,
"So Why does a man choose the life of a paid assassin?"
"I'm not an assassin," Bond said. "I'm a secret agent who, in his line work, has need to kill from time to time. And is authorized to do so - but only when absolutely necessary. Like right now if you don't stuff it with these silly questions about my professional life."
She giggled hard. "And Why does a man choose the name Bond, James Bond ?"
"Well it was either that or Smiley McFuckface."
Bond poured 2 bowls of cereal and brought them to the bed.
"Ummmmm?" she said.
He broke the bowls of cereal on the floor and got on top of her.
"Its a stupid name IMO," she whispered between rapid blinks.
"Then you are pleaseed to know I am now Andy Hazard, offical NAOBOB attache to Sam Dandies."
"NO!" she blathered.
Bond stared at her gaussian lavender eyes and the only thing he knew was that he didn't trust her. Sure ok there wasn't a moon buggy attack in London, no damage done, but still there was a foggy air of mystery between the two of them of which he couldn't penetrate. This was a woman who had kept secrets all of her life, and Bond concluded that if he was to know anyhting about her ,it would be volunteered information only.
"I am a kept woman James," she whispered. Much like every other girl here." Much like every other girl here Bond thought..... there were other girls here! "The ship of immigrants I crashed into America on was doomed... I was the only survivor, and Sam Dandies took me for his own."
"Ok but how does Dandies' plan to blow up Africa.... Is that Operation Forbbiden Fruit? I'm not that impressed with it."
"But James, it's a world record." birtney said.
"It seems like a terrible waste of money to me."
"It will be glorious on film," she offered.
"Meh"
"But it's never been done before,"
"ok stuff it"
Bond ran a hand over her nipple, they had sex, I could go into detail but we don't need that.
Sam Dandies manned a camera behind a hidden bedroom mirror. "Everybody under my command has a certain past James. A past you will soon share. Don't forget it. I know I wont. Because guess what James.... this is one explosion I'm fliming too...."
At MI6, Q typed a computer and looked at a screen. "All of Bond's smart blood seems to be concentrated at one speciific part in his boody!"
"And I thought my Birthday only comes once a year."
THE END
of
CHAPTER 11
but
...........................? (explanation for amaturs only)
Birthday lifted her head from all the sex. "What do you mean by that James?"
"Because birthdays come only once ayear and today it feels a great bit like my birthday."
She narrowed her eyes. "I"m not sure I follow."
"Hush hush darling and come along..... birthday cake and balloons, hip hip hooray."
"No but seriously what was that little comment meant? Were you implying something?"
"Birthday cake"
"What it meant James?"
"Balloons."
Chapter 12
APROPOS
Coming Soon
Bond chucklled all the way back to his room. "Whew woah wowowowow! he thought.
Yes, Ian Flemmming was a great writer and @IGUANNA is his only true heir on Earth.
Agreed chaps.
I'm shaking with excitement waiting for the next chapter of this Iguano to be posted.
Chapter 12
SNEAKY-TIME
Bond stole a bunch of Britney 's jewelry in hopes of getting it analyzed for plot points, then toddled back to his room before sunrise. And well, when he woke up the next morning for the first time in 4 years, he experienced the incradible circumstance of being bored.
Bond had no interest on going on a facilityttour with Afterthought today. He would be shown sanitized proceedings and nothing more, nothing to possibly incirinminainte Dandies and his NAOBOB cohorts down to the ground. And it didn't concern Bond if some rich lunatic wanted to do expensive real estate planning. In fact, the very thought of it bored him. And boredom was the only vice Bond could not condone. It was Fox News beetlejuice in the soul, and he knew he would have to fight it by stirring up some serious shit today, perhaps drop some pants kick some shins and blow up some reactors. What he really wanted to know was how did dead M figurned into all of this, then maybe he could be bothered to care. He wanted to go revenging - powered by origin stories pummeling prequels, world-building, and inside connections. He knew nothing else. He was spurred on only by ancient VHS messages and his strengthy desire to meet, escavate and terminate every known enemy of his beloved Judy Dench. All this Morocco business amounted to, was a thunderclap in a showercap. And perhaps Mr Dandies, Bond thought, your showercap was on a little too tight.
Bond finished taking care of his morning wood and got dressed for the day.
He would have to strike out on his own, rogue balderdash and all that, to play it up as he goes.
Bond tickled a passing scientist in the hall and stole his glasses, ID, and labcoat, and off he went.
Saxo music doodled thorugh the soundsystem as Britney Birthday played, and she also stopped once and a while to make mention of Special Relations. Silly bitch. Also she sang a song and these are the words, buclke up its nauseating:
♫ Do you know how birthday cake is baked?
Do you know how birthday balloons are blown?
Do you know how birthday cards are made?
Do you know where birthday hats are grown? ♫
Wtf? thought Bond.
He passed an armured NAOBOB guard from behind. Bond tickled the man's shins, pulled his hair and slapped him around. He bit the dust in short time. But oh no,2 more men were coming. Bond ducked into a nearby restroom, took a seat and phoned M,
"Hey Bond I have a storyline over here, someone is trying to odisamntle the 00 Program from within. It makes me want to stop ocoming in otw worwork . Also you killed my daughter??"
" Gotta go," Bond said.
He finished using the toilet, flushed the handel but the wall began to turn. It was a secret armoury of guns for Sam Dandies' henchmen! Using his wits quick on his feet, he would have to think quickly, Bond removed the sandwiches and sweetmeats from his mouth from the night before, and gummed up them guns with them and fiddled with the firing pins. Ahh thats more like it Bond thought with a grin.
Bond snuck back out, and there boy was a lot of plot twists in the hallowed halls of NAOBOB's Morocco HQ, and soon there was another one was heading Bond's way right now.
It was the old man with silver-grey hair who sat across from him at dinner last night. He passed Bond without making any comment, but he quietly shoved a crinkled note into Bond's hand and continued on his moneymade way. Bond indiscreetly unfloded the note, held it up to his ear and this is what it whispered to him:
"MY NAME IS CRINKLE DE LA MONTPETIT.
I KNOW WHAT DANDIES IS UP ABOUT.
BE IN TOUCH SOON."
Bond turned around, but the man was gone. It was like he had never been there.
Bond shrugged away all his wtfs and proceeded down the corridor..... Where would he find next?
MEANIWHILE IN LONDON
M stood at a podium and made his speech to the UN: "I know Bond can be a bit of a hotwire sometimes. He has failed every mission given to him, disobeyed orders, and gone rogue countless times. But just look at this face please." A big banner designed by Q with every wrinkle airbrushed out ofe xistence descended from the ceriling to rapturous applause. "And with a short but seasoned career he has gone from hot-headed rookie to old and out of step and back again!"
"I don't know my poetry like Dead M but let me just try to inspire you," M choked. He cleared his throat. "You only live twice, all the time in the world is not enough, RE-ELECT BOND FOR THE 00-SECTION! Now officially accepted as the 00 PROGRAM FOR ORPHANED CHILDREN! THE FRIENDS OF 007 CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN I BELIEVE IN YOU, THE BRITISH PUBLIC! THANKS A LOT !"
Please clap.
M dismounted his soapbox and walkedd away, greeted by warm chai tea and a walking backrub from Tanner.
Christ was he stressed. Not only was Bond up for re-election as a 00, but Special Relations was ably and duly absorbing the 00 Program. And if that happened, NAOBOB would have control of everything and there would be no point in coming in to work at all. It might have been just a dark pretense that M approved of Bond, but the alternative was unthinkable - the end of 007's career and with it, the entire 00 Section.
Chapter 13
BABY TOMATO
Coming Soon
"Did you know? NAOBOB agents get full dental coverage and they get two dyas off at Christmas."
=))
When we are both on our deathbed with minutes to live and look back on our lives I can see us weeping bitterly over wasting even a single nanosecond on reading any of this opus.
I think @IGUANNA has been watching Spectre.
That's a bit of an unfair comparison Draggers. Dismal though it is, @IGUANNA's work is not quite up to P&W's gold standard of shoddiness.