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Yes, this is becoming more clear as this thread goes along. ;)
You should.
And preferably put firmly in the waste paper basket. Then burn the house down just to be sure.
They are to me lodestars of truth and figures of fun."
BOND THE NEW CHAPTER OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION , COMING SOON ENOUGH
Really? You needn't be so harsh @Dragonpol.
THE SLOVAK'S VICTORY LAP
Bond wasn't sure if he had been under the car for 20 hours or 20 years. Afterthought raced across the sands of Morocco, trying to shake his unwanted guest. Bond's eyes capitulated and blurred to the dust. The Slovak would not be quenched of his bloodlust until his adversary had been thorughly trashed, killed and extinguished.
Bond could no longer hold on, not but a moment too soon his cuffs broke from the axelrod friction, and in that moment Bond would hsve gone tumbling off the bottom of the car were it for a superhuman decision to hold on with his teeth. Bond gathered up his last few moldy leftovers of energy and crawled along the chassey pipes of the DB5 to the front grill, then hopped up onto the bonnet of the car, wrapped his broken handcuffs around a fist, and starting punching the windshield in front of Afterthought's face.
"Ouch ouch," Bond yelled as he fist did nothing in particular to the glass! He gave Afterthought the finger,
Bond smushed his lips against the windshield and threatedned to arrest Afterthought.
Meanwhile, Moneypenny prepared a sandwich.
It was 2018 and Bond was trying to quit smoking, up until an hour ago he been covered head to toe in nicotine patches specially designed for him by Q,
Any other uses Q? Let's find out
Sadly Dandies and his goons had spotted each nicotine patch and removed every single one of them. Except for one. It was on the roof of Bond's mouth, Bond reached inside his yaktrap and ripped it out, then plastered it on the windshield and rolled off the car. He whistled the final note of of the Bond theme and the nicotine patch exploded and shattered the windshield.
"TA-DA!!" Bond shouted. "Now we can have a fight scene!" He waited for the DB5 to have another go at him, then he threw himself onto the bonnet and started choking Afterthought's throat. But Afterthroat was wordless and unperturbed behind the wheel. This fight scene wasn't working Bond thought, he could barely grip the front of the car with one hand and slap Afterthought around with the other. He used his Q-Branch coded fingerprint to open the glove box, hoping to find his gun there, But no! it was empty, all he had was a few old condoms and a bottle of soda. Afterthought slammed the box shut on Bond's hand, giving Bond a hangnail that made him cryl ike a prissy little twit. Bond desperately bopped him on the nose and yanked his ears, then went in for a donkey punch. Whoops Bond thought as he faceplanted in the passenger seat. Afterthought grabbed him by the hair and threw him out of the car.
Oof Bond thought as he landed back in the desert and the DB5 swerved around again. Well that didn't work.
He collapsed to the bloody sand, his naked body heaving, his every bone broken. He was beginnign to black out. He had nothing left. The sun was setting. It was closing time James. He checked instagram for inspirital quotes to keep him going but it was no use. Afterthought ran Bond over, put the car in reverse and ran him over again. He felt like a booger rolled between 2 fingers.
His mind drifted to revenge for the girl, Britney. She and Bond had made love with all the passion of a children's birthday party.
The DB5 reversed again. It was the Slovak's victory lap. All Bond saw was the glowing red back-lights of the DB5, the eyes of Satan getting closer and closer for one last kiss. This was Sam Dandies's sour dustbowl of death, and here rests in peace James Bond, secret agent extraordinaire. Or perhaps, Bond thought, merely a piss poor secret agent ordinaire.
The tires screeched in delight as they ran over his throat. This was it. He was done. Goodnight guys
But wait.
Bond had ingested more than a mouthful of sand, and it reminded him of that time he took the cinnamon challenge with his best friend Tanner. Oh how he burned for those spade and bucket days, good God thouse thoughts and feelings, Tanner I will always love you Bond tweeted as he neared his deathbed.
Bucket and spade.......... that gave Bond an idea Bond thought.
He would have to time this just right.
As the DB5 reversed again, Bond rolled out of the way, tied his old drawstring headsack around the exhaust pipe of the car, then let go and collapsed.
This did nothng. Not yet ...!
Afterthought stared at him thru the broken bloody windshield of the car -- then shifted gear into Drive and throttled towards Bond for the final blow.
I'm a child on a beach in France, Bond thought, he quickly built a sandcastle and started doing jumping jacks in front of it. Then he rolled out of the way to trick Afterthought into crashing into his sandy masterpiece.
Afterthought swerved and accelerated as the DB5 crashed into the sandcastle and exploded from the backed up exhaust fumes. The trunk popped open, revealing sunscreens, body paints, and beach balls. Bond then pulled Afterthought from the flaming wreckage, stripped him naked, painted him gold and watched him suffocate.
Afterthought rolled aournd to try to get the paint off but he only made it worse. Bond brandished a blowdryer to dry the paint faster. Now he felt like David and Goliath. Bond smiled grimly. Dirty Slovak must of wish he could sweat right now!
Bond tossed some sand in Afterthoyght's gasping dead face. No hi hellow how are the kids.
He picked up the steering wheel of his DB5. It was all Q would need to put it back together again. The steering wheel wnet flying and hit Bond in the head. He would take it back to London for Q to fix. WIthin the week he would restored the entire car. Good old Q. He always does.
Bond dusted himself off and walked back to London.
THE END
of
Chapter 16
THE FLEMING LIMIT
Coming Soon
A smoking photo landed in the desert behind Bond. It was him and Britney bonking all night ! Bond had been the unwitting star of his own intimate film. Oh no what next...
Chapter 16
NUDE DEBRIEFING
Christmas had hit London hard, and snowy winter with it.
Ding dong dinalininginggn, Christmas bells and snowflakes swirled all around Bond's banged up head & dirty naked body as he trudged his broken feet across the bridge of Whitehall Chestminster and up the steps of Downey Cross and stepped inside.
Moneypenny at the front desk did not flinch, such as was her professionality.
"Hi James, what is it"
"Hello ......"
"Ok just go to room 2 and sit in the dentists' chair," It launched upwards to the top flor and he was face to face with M.
"Can I havr a warm glass of milk?", Bond asked.
"How about a warm glass the shut the hell up?" M whispered.
"Oh dear," said Bond.
"You kileld a dog and my daughter... I'm cancelling your credit cards."
"Sir, if I may, I ffeel congratulations are in order for the death of Afterthought." Bond popped champagne.
"Wait Bond how did you manage to build a sandacastle out there? It's bone dry out there,"
"I peed on the sand first Sir."
"Well that explains it. Good work 007."
"Thank you Sir,"
"However, I am still disgruntled in you Bond. What the hell have you done, getting my daughter kiled is one thing but shooting a dog? U have a lot answer for...."
Bond hiccuped. M stood and switched the TV on.
It was CNN and Wolfe Glick blathering out about a footage now we watch it, thats a big chunk of Africa had finally been exploded into a private isaldn by Sam Dandies. Aerial footage and etc, with a little interview of a smug Mr Dandies telling us that "Every NAOBOB process beigns when we ask ourselves, waht is the world afraif of? This explosion footage will be used as a backdrop for all my fashion shows from here to the grave." Ok then.......
"Another 00 (not you) will be dispatched very soon with a very big hot glue gun to see the damage and, if so, reattach Morocco back to the confident where it belongs."
"That is good to hear sir, Bond offered. I am glad that it's beeing taken careof.
"Good God Bond, do you only listen to your bosses when they die? Why did you follow another Dead M VHS tape? And as you know, we're in the middle of this Merger with Special Relations which has already absorbed half my salary and stressed me to the hilt. I am worried soon you will not be able to lawfully kill anymore, whether you win re-election as a 00 Agent or not. They're coming at me fro mall angles Bond. Just give me my own chapter already." It refelcted to Bond that his boss was coming a cross like a stuffy engliush caricature rather than a real person. And in that moment how he missed Judi Dench.
"I feel like I have just woke from a nightmare Sir,"
"What do you mean Bond?"
Bond lit a cigarette and began to cry.
"First he blew up the desert, then he took nude photos of me, and made me shoot a dog."
M picked up Bond and threw him in a dumpster. "Snap out of it bro! You have failed two of four missions youve had since making 00. And you want to retire with benefits ?? This is your last chance Bond," M stood up and stuffed his hands in his pockets so hard his trousers burst. "Come back after lunch I will give you your new mission."
"Ok Sir,"
Meanwhile, Moneypenny prepared a funny folder titled "OPERATION CHILDHOOD". Huh-wah..?
Don't worry about it...........
Chapter 17
HER MAJESTY'S SECRET BUDGET
Coming Soon
"Make it happen," Bond wheezed.
I must heartily disagree with your imagination @vzok , this Bond is a secret concoction of various actors and beautiful men with the Fleming on top. I will share the recipe one day in the post-story special features, along with a creeping sneak peek at my writing process.
STOCKING-STUFF
Bond had no intention of toddling back to M's office. Instead he made a sharp turn down to Q-Branch. A fuzzy little sweater existed on Q's torso, and his thick black glasses twinkled in the red and green Christmas lights strung above his gadgets and toys. Bond did not regret this decision in the slightest.
"Hello Q could you scan this for me please"
"Why hello Bond, wait, I thought you were gone?"
"I need there to be dna all over these jewelry pieces, find out the rest of the plot from them please"
"Ok Bond and I will cook up a nice NAOBOB infographic in photoshop for you as well," Q said with a sweet smile. He swiveled in his government chair and faced the computer. "Ok 007, I have prepared and done for you, itwas n't easy let me tell you that," Q cooed. The image.png showed the Spang Brothers, Stacey Sutton, Georgi Koskov, and Villiers, "And do you know who links them all?" Q asked with a grave tone in his voice.
"Me."
"No.. "
"A pet bee on a string?"
"No 007, Sam Dandies. My coffeebean infographic made that pretty clear," Q then led Bond by the hand, eyes closed, to the rooftop for a "dumb surprise", then boarded them both onto a private autopilot plane to the North Pole, launching them on their way to Bond's next mission. This plot devolpoement was per mission but not with Bond's permission, and it was all he could muster not to tickle Q's armpits and slap him around a bit for such bold trespass of trust.
Q simpered in his fuzzy little sweater. The hell was he doing here Bond thought? Silly bitch.
"M doesn't trust you to do a good job anymore so he told me to come with you to supervise"
"Thank you for rebuilding my car for me,"
"Don't think about it." The DB5 had been stashed in the back of the plane for later use.
Bond said, "So What is this mission I'm being sent on now? I didn't really talk to M about it,"
"That's ok 007, I have been breifed on it in expectation of you being a horrible employee."
Bond was lightly wounded by this commment, but he didn't let it show. "Well then."
"Well then, I will tell you in a minute. But first I have a little Christmas gift for you."
Q passed Bond a bedazzled Christmas stocking with 007 written on it, and here were its contents -
Q's STOCKING STUFFERS
- a pop gun that can shoot down a helichopter
- a rubik's cube that keeps fighting back
- a candle that purposely starts fires
- a frozen judi dench popsicle
- a Skyrim and a Minecraft
- a slinky
"Ok thanks Q, that means a lot to me that wou would prepare me a Christmas stocking knowing I die almost every day. I will buy you a small treasure at the North Pole gift shop in return, but don't get too excited because M takes his sweet time writing my cheques these days."
Q blushed. "Just remember Bond, Dandies thinks you're dead. Use this your advantange."
"Oh no need Q, up to my last breath me and Dandies were on good terms. Afterthought didn't like me I think is why that attacked me so badly, surely this and I's encounter in the desert was totally off the books and without authorization is my gut instinct, and he's dead now so I will just tell Dandies I went for a bathroom break so that I wil remain undercover within the belly of NAOBOB."
"Really 007, are you sure? What do you mean"
Let me try, Bond said: "The name is HAzard. Andy Hazard."
Q threw up in his mouth a little and his face wrinkled into the most deplorable bedsheets imaginable.
"Now thats a bit of a booboo mouthful 007, not very catchy is it"
"It wasnt my choice you smarmy tosser," Bond yelled as he gave Q a quick tickle,
"M doesn't want to talk to you anymore so, I will give you your next mission. Apparently Sam Dandies is hosting a special one-of-a kind sort of international competition at the North Pole next week, entitled the 1st Annual Relaxing Games, sponsored by Special Relations. (who BTW writes my cheques now since they absorbed MI6)."
"Ok interesting, sounds like my next chapter of my life, do go on,"
"You must participate in the Relaxing Games please, posing as our main competitor for Great Britain in the figure skating category. Don't get mad at me this was M's idea. I know you have it in you Bond I believe in you. Don't look at me like that. Please figure out what Dandies is really doing at the North Pole underneath all the glitz and galmour, and then please assassinate him and any other friends of NAOBOB you might encounter... And please Bond, look good doing it."
Oh God Bond thouhgt.
"We're goimng to the North Pole and M doesn^t want to talk to you."
3 AM
Through a haze of voyerustic desire and obligatory duty, Q cleaned his glasses and logged onto the secret filesystem for tracking intelligence with smartblood. Q had discovered something about Bond because of his smartblood. And it wasnt pretty.... Ok I'll tell you.............. Bond's intelligence was steadily dropping and in freefall. Soon he would not be able to form basic sentences with a subject, modifier, and verb, or make rational decisions. And aside from that, something even more dastardly.... something nobody had ever noticed about Bond in the history of ever.... what is it? Q keeps many secrets so we don't get to know. At least not yet. (this is something other than Bond's intelligence is leaking out of his head)
The MI6 plane descended into a sweeping Grey dusk as beholden took ahold all around a cherry pink shimmer of sunset as they head towards certain death Q thought. Maybe I don't know yet. With great trepidation and anxiety Q featured the incredible circumstance of needing to cough, burp and sneeze all at once. The sneezing took priority, followed by the coughing, and finally the burp. And meanwhile, the paid assassin James Bond snored away.
Chapter 18
'TAXI CACTUS LIMELIGHT'
Coming Soon- Moneypenny arrives in a flying armoured desk to help.
Bond used to be young and fun. now's he a goat.
yikkity yank
@IGUANNA , it s been three years now. Please come back.