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What Would His Bond Do?
MakeshiftPython
“Baja?!”
Back in the olde Keeping the British End Up forum I had a pretty popular thread that I realize I want to revive again here. Basically you take a scenario from a Bond movie and supplant a different Bond to see how different things might have turned out. Lots of broad exaggerations/caricatures of Bonds and their style of films are encouraged, after all, this is all just for laughs. Small example:
Connery in OHMSS
Connery: "It's Blofeld", Bond remarks rather dryly. He then notices the head wound on a very still sitting Tracy. In a slightly bored monotone, he expresses "damn."
So just to kick it off, here's how I think these Bond would have handled the interrogation scene in GOLDENEYE.
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Connery: "Ah, but I shlayed your mother lasht rotten last night."
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Lazenby: "It used to slay Tracy, until a bullet did..." *starts sobbing*
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Moore: "We all get our jollies one way or another." *Cocks his eyebrow.*
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Dalton: "No?" *shoots him in the head* "That should."
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Craig: "Done." *walks off*
Connery in OHMSS
Connery: "It's Blofeld", Bond remarks rather dryly. He then notices the head wound on a very still sitting Tracy. In a slightly bored monotone, he expresses "damn."
So just to kick it off, here's how I think these Bond would have handled the interrogation scene in GOLDENEYE.
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Connery: "Ah, but I shlayed your mother lasht rotten last night."
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Lazenby: "It used to slay Tracy, until a bullet did..." *starts sobbing*
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Moore: "We all get our jollies one way or another." *Cocks his eyebrow.*
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Dalton: "No?" *shoots him in the head* "That should."
Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me, Commander, I'm sorry."
Craig: "Done." *walks off*
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Comments
Dalton would've tried so hard to make it look serious and ruthless, to the point where it's comical because he doesn't understand that it's supposed to be a gag.
Lazenby/Bond *on pulling back the bed sheet to reveal Irma Bunt, and not Ruby*: "Fancy meeting you here, Fräulein!"
Swap George for Sean....
Connery/Bond: "Oh the things I do for England."
If anyone wants to bill me for the therapy for that image in your mind, you'll have to find me first.
Lazenby
"Hello, I'm Sir Hilary Bray, College of Arms" Bond pauses and justures to Henderson's cane, "may I?" Henderson nods and hands Bond his cane. He holds the cane for a moment, suddenly as he's about to whack the cane on Henderson's wooden leg, the film speeds up aggressively at an almost unnatural and comical manner. "Guns make me nervous" says Bond, confusing Henderson for a moment before proceeding to talk shop.
Moore
Bond walks into the Henderson's room and looks around examining the silence. "Hello there", Bond swiftly turns to see the lovely Miss Henderson lying on a couch naked with only her top and knickers. Bond approaches her with a great smile "Good evening Miss Henderson, I have some information I want, among other things-", something catches Bond's eye. The lady has a wooden leg. "I lost that in Singapore" she says slightly embarrassed, "I hope that doesn't trouble you." "On the contrary, Miss Henderson", Bond cocks his eyebrow, "Easier access."
Dalton
Wearing only a wetsuit for an inexplicable reason, James Bond proceeds to sneak into the residence of a Mr. Henderson, but not before being briefly frightened by a pigeon that flies right over his face. Slightly shaken, he continues to move into the home. Bond spots a guard in front of the entrance and mouths an obscenity to himself before feeling for his pocket. He takes an object out and throws it in front of the guard. The guard is suddenly alerted "who goes there?!" The guard's ear catches something, it's a whistle. Suddenly stun gas explodes in front of the guard, disorientating him before Bond rushed towards him and knocks him out cold. Bond opens the front entrance and proceeds through the corridor. He hears an inexplicable sound. Is it gunfire? No, it's tiny explosives. What the hell? Bond approaches closer to the sound behind a door, slowly opens it and finds Mr. Henderson playing with his toy army models. Bond slowly creeps behind Henderson and swiftly grabs him by the throat, placing a sharp knife up the man's jugular "make a sound, and you're dead". Bond kicks Henderson's lower leg hard, which causes the leg to fall off and reveal itself as wooden stump. "You got the boot."
Brosnan
Bond is guided by a beauty to the room Mr. Henderson is residing. Before opening the door, Bond notices his hand has a moisture that's fizzling out. Bond screams "STOOOOOOOOOOOP" and an explosion occurs within the room, blasting the door out and throwing Bond against the wall. Bond looks to his left and sees the same girl making a run for, he goes right after her. Bond runs outside and sees the girl speeding out in a Ford Thunderbird, Bond jumps into his BMW to catch her as David Arnold's techno rendition of the James Bond theme blasts in a repetitive fashion. As his car slowly creeps to her's, Bond presses a button next to the shift stick. A forklift appears from under Bond's BMW, lifting up the lady's car on his right. "YOU CAUNT GET AWAY! TELL ME WHO YAH WOUKING FOAAAHH!!! I CAUN PROTECT YOU!!! DOYOUUNDERSTANDME!!!! I CAN PROTECT YOU!!!!" Without realizing, Bond is speeding toward the edge of the cliff. Bond tries to stop his car but it's too late, both cars crash off the side of the cliff. Bond uses the car's emergency ejector to fly out of his vehicle. While falling, Bond's chair turns into a jet pack and lands him to safety, but only after both cars have digitally exploded. Bond heavily catches his breath, ending the scene with David Arnold's melodramatic piano play.
Craig
Bond crashes through the paper wall in Henderson's room. Confused, he tries to ask Bond what's going on but is interrupted as Bond grabs him by the back of his shirt and drags him across the room. Guards with machine guns start blazing through shooting up the room. Armed only with an outdated PPK, Bond only shoots up pipes that blow out steam, throwing the guards off. Bond pushes Henderson out of the window, only to realize they're still on the second floor. He looks down to see the lifeless body of Henderson on the concrete. Bond escapes by parkour. Finally in the clear, he takes out his mobile phone to contact M. "Henderson was a dead end", M replies "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO QUESTION HIM NOT TO KILLHIM!!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!!!!!" Bond hangs up his phone and throws it in a waste bin.
Good times on that old thread. Wish I had archived it because there were real gems in there! Oh well.
Anyway, after your entry I’m gonna have to bleach my eyeballs.
Hard to resist, the 90s techno is such a staple of Broz’s run it can’t be left unaddressed!
And of course, he utters a classic "OWWWWWWWWW."
=)) This is the best part. He really would, wouldn't he?
Connery
Bond, asks in a bored manner "How did you get a tailored shuit for me?" Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond brushes off the odd reply and embraces her. "Ish that all you can do?" he asks. Vesper smiles and kisses him, as they make out, Bond notices a reflection in her eye, turns around and uses her as a human shield as a goon is about to attack Bond. He throws him into the tub and as the goon grabs for his gun Bond quickly tosses Vesper's hair dryer into the tub and shocks the goon to death. Bond puts on his dinner jacket, looks at Vesper still shaken up and dully quips "That really blew".
Lazenby
Bond asks, "How did you get a tailored suit for me?" She replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, deeply touched, walks up to her and embraces her. "I'll never meet another girl like you..." Bond says tenderly, then asks "Will you marry me?"
Moore
"Just how did you get a suit tailored for me?", asks Bond. Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, smirks and cocks his eyebrow, "Is that all you sized up?" Vesper blushes and they start to make out, heading for the bedroom to shag. “OWWWWW!!”
Dalton
Bond asks,"how did you? It's tailored." Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Immediately suspicious of Vesper, he assumes she's a double agent and storms into the bathroom as she's doing her makeup. Grabbing her by the arm, he drags her into the bedroom, throwing her on top of the bed. Vesper cries "What the hell is the matter with you?!" He pulls out his PPK and presses it against her face "Nobody could actually size up someone by sight, so it's only possible you got the info from the enemy, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THEM!" Vesper cries "No!" Bond viciously spits out "I WANT THE TRUTH!" then cocks his gun. Vesper surrenders and admits that she's working for the organization behind Le Chiffre. Bond, suddenly paranoid about the entire operation, runs straight to the window and looks down outside, preparing to jump out. He looks back at Vesper then overacts "TIME TO LEAVE!" as he jumps out and makes a run for it.
Brosnan
Bond guesses that Vesper used a gadget to size him up. Doesn't bother to ask as he's busy applying his L'Oreal for men products.
Bring it on folks!
I really want to see that version of CR. :D
Lazenby:. *dubbed by George Baker* “HELP! HELP! HELP!”
Moore: “Owww.... owww... owww.... *chuckles* THAT is not the soap”
Dalton: “SWITCH THE BLOODY MACHINE OFF!!!” *Pat turns the machine off* “Thanks, things were about to turn nasteh.”
Brosnan: *Copious amounts of PainFace, finished off with a quip* “I enjoy a rigorous exercise, that was stretching it a bit.”
Craig: “Now the whole world will know that you died stretching my balls.”
Connery: Bond lets Mitchell get away. A few minutes later, as Mitchell opens a door to access the rooftop of a building in Siena, he finds Bond standing in front of him. How can this be? Bond has used his jetpack to catch up with the treacherous agent. Bond grabs him and repeatedly slams the door against him, knocking him unconscious. This is all seen through a wide shot filmed from a moving helicopter, set to exciting brass music.
Lazenby: Bond runs after Mitchell through the rooftops of Siena and eventually catches him, but the scene is later deleted from the film. Only a few stills remain.
Grace: In a display of great physical prowess, Martin Grace runs up some stairs and jumps from one building to another while chasing Mitchell, before getting ahold of him and pushing him off a rooftop to his death. He then adjusts his tie.
Dalton: Bond calls Kara Milovy, who is also in Siena, and asks her for help in catching Mitchell. His mistake is short-lived as Kara, who is wielding a sniper rifle, shoots Bond instead of Mitchell. Bond manages to mouth an expletive before passing away. A few days later, M proposes a toast in his honor.
Brosnan: Bond chases Mitchell to an apartment in Siena. A fight ensues, and Bond loses his weapon. Mitchell holds him at gunpoint and tells him to move toward the balcony, but Bond is carrying a Q-issued rappel cord, which he ties to the balcony railing without Mitchell noticing. As Mitchell prepares to shoot him, Bond leaps off the balcony, TWINE-style. Unfortunately, the railing is old and faulty, so it breaks away. Bond falls to his death, barely managing to contort his face into one final, tragic painface. A few days later, M proposes a toast in his honor.
This is very good. And accurate.
Connery: undergoes controversial alliplasty procedure to disguise himself as an alligator and slips away completely undetected
Lazenby: dubs voice in alligator-speak, orders the other alligators to let him leave.
Dalton: swims to shore disguised as a manta ray.
Brosnan: calls Q-boat to him and escapes as alligators inexplicably explode in fireballs around him.
Craig: discovers that the alligators were the very ones that ate his parents and decides to let himself be eaten in a stunning and brave self-sacrifice, thus completing his emotional and epic journey as 007
Spot on!
Continuing from there..
Moore
As Irma Bunt begins shooting at the Bond and Tracy, the bullets mysteriously go astray, missing both targets. The Sedan drives off, with Bond cocking his eyebrow as he watches them. Tracy, confused, asks Bond, "how the devil did they miss?" Bond then check his watch and quips "sheer magnetism, darling." They start shagging in the Aston Martin.
Dalton
As Bond looks at Tracy corpse he quickly embraces her, sobbing. As he realizes what happened, rage starts to fill his entire being. He starts the engine and takes off, racing towards Blofeld's sedan like a madman. As he creeps to Blofeld's right, he takes a moment to look into Blofeld's eyes to let him know he was absolutely ****ed. "WATCH THE BIRDY, YOU BASTARD!" Bond then slams his car onto Blofeld's, causing his sedan to crash off the road and down the cliff. Bond stops his car to step out and take a look as the sedan crashes into flames.
Brosnan
Painfaces and grunts all the way to the credits.
Craig
As Irma Bunt shoots, Bond catches the bullet that would have hit Tracy, with his bare hand. As the sedan drives off, Bond aims and swings his arm, throwing the bullet directly to Blofeld's head, causing it to explode. The sedan then crashes down the cliff into flames. Tracy, confused, asks "what happened?" Bond awkwardly quips "I can’t find the uhhhh... stationary."
:))
Lazenby: "It's all right. It's quite all right, really. We'll be getting drunk soon. There's no hurry, you see. We have all the vodka in the world."
Moore: "OOOOWWWWHHHHHH!"
Dalton: "It's a tough business you picked, Mr. Henderson. Leave it to the professionals."
Brosnan: caresses the glass, sniffs it, then quietly drinks while breathing loudly through nostrils.
Craig: "I asked for a Heineken."
That one was hilarious! :)
Blofeld: "Franz Oberhauser died in an avalanche 20 years ago. That man you're talking to now, the man inside your head... is Ernst Stavro Blofeld."
Connery: "Named after your mother, perhapsh?"
Lazenby:*dubbed by George Baker* "If you'll forgive me, that's what l'm here to find out. The college will require more concrete proofs."
Moore: *dryly* "Quite revealing." *eyebrow*
Dalton: *inexplicably breaks out of his restraints, headbutting Blofeld, instantly killing him. He looks at Madeleine, grins like a schoolboy and embraces her face in his hands* "khaista..." *he suddenly remembers the watch is about to explode in five seconds* "TIME TO LEAVE!"
Brosnan: *All he does is PAINFACE through the entire scene, not because of the torture, but because of the contrivance of Blofeld's naming*
So poignant!