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Comments
Quality stuff.
Keep em coming, and don't worry about lenght. We wouldn't want to limit our creativity now would we? As long as it's funny and fits the image i don't care.
Pierce: "Hey Buddy, how are you doing, you look a bit rough?"
Tim: "Ah i'm fine, don't worry about me. Besides i got Maryam to take care of me now. We were just on our way to host the grand opening of a local furniture store. Life's good, you know. How's the Bond thing going?"
Pierce: "It's really awesome. Thanks for stepping down from the role so i could have a crack at it Bro."
Tim: "Eh come on, i gave you the same opportunity that you've given me. It was the least i could do for a friend.
Pierce: "Aww that's nice. You sure you don't need anything? You know, some money just to help you out for a couple weeks?"
Tim: "You earned it, you keep it, old Buddy".
"My friend, we were on the Ferris wheel, with the yellow elephant. She just want's the fu**ing elephant back!"
Tim: "EEYYYYYYY YOU! YEAH YOU! You stole all my stuff you asshole!"
Daniel: "Wtf?! Who the hell is... Timothy?! Timothy Dalton? Is that you? Man, you look.... ummm, good... You look good. How are you doing?"
Tim: "Dude you could have given me some credit you know hehe, since your whole character is based on me..."
Daniel: "Well, yeah, i mean i have nothing but respect for you and your work Sir. Though i tried to base my Bond character on many things, and to put a bit of my own spin on it as well, you know..."
Tim: "Yeah yeah, sure, whatever. Hey Buddy, could you maybe help me out with a cigarette?"
Craig: "But you are smoking one just now?"
Tim: "Oh, yeah, i know i mean for later you know. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch atm, you know..."
Daniel: "Ok..."
Tim: "Hey man, since we're all buddies now, maybe you could help your old Buddy Tim out with some money? You know, from one artist to another hehe..."
Daniel: "Umm, well... Look, i don't really have any cash on my right now, sorry... And i'm in a bit of a hurry really."
Tim: "Come on Maryam, lets not waste our time with this self important prick! I got too much self respect left to deal with these celebrity assholes."
Luisa: "Darling, you have to tell Cubby. You have to tell him you are done!
You are getting too old and it's too dangerous to shoot these movies."
Roger: "I know. I know... it's just... it would break his heart you know. Cubby is too old and stubborn to understand. Also he's been incredibly good to me over the years and...."
Luisa: "You have to think of yourself first! Of us. What should i do if anything happens to you?"
Roger: "Yes, yes you are right of course my love. I will tell him, first thing in the morning.
Maybe if i could give him some names of suitable replacements... or even bring a new guy with me.
But who? Who could convincingly play such a self absorbed douchbag among today's actors, everyone seems so nice?"
Luisa: "I'm sure you'll find someone. I love you. bye."
*Wild Timothy Dalton appears*
Tim: "Eyy, nice suit grandpa, you wouldn't happen to have some change on you, for a struggling artist hehe?"
Roger: "And you are?"
Tim: "Dalton, Timothy Dalton... hehe, see what i did there?"
Roger: "What do you need money for?"
Timothy: "Well, to be honest, me and my broad wanted to get drunk and get it on between those garbage cans over there."
Roger: *Raises Eyebrow* "You are a cocky little fella, aren't you Mr. Dalton..."
Tim: "Yeah, sure, if that makes any difference to you."
Roger: "I don't have money for you right now, but i have something much better..."
Tim: "You mean like... smack!? You got any on you?"
Roger: "No Mr. Dalton, i have a proposal. Would you like to be in the movies?"
Tim: "Look man, i ain't sucking your d*** or any weird stuff, understood? Also i've never acted in my life."
Roger: "Certainly. And don't worry, you couldn't possibly do a worse job at it than me. Let me pick you up tomorrow morning, on this spot at 9am. I want you to meet someone."
Tim: "Hm, ok... why not. Can my girl join?"
Roger: "Sure, ehh Ms...?"
Maryam: "Maryam..."
Roger: "Oh, such lovely lines..."
Maryam: *Giggle*
Tim: "Ok ok, that's enough."
Roger: "And Tim, do me a favor. Go to this adress in East London, that's my Barber. Tell him i send you and that he should give you a shave and a haircut. I'll see you tomorrow."
Tim: "OMG Sean Connery! I am such an admirer of your..."
Sean: "Look at you Son. Once when I wash a young lad in Shcotland, i had ash little in my posseshion as you. And look where i am now! I turend my life around and became a multi millionaire by HARD WORK! No one ever handed me anything for free, inshtead i had to fight a lot of greedy backshtabbers who tried to rip me off for my hard earned money. What i'm shaying ish you lack willpower shon! Pull yourshelf togetsher, you are a dishgrace to your parentsh and to shcotland!"
Tim: "..."
Tim: "Piss off grandpa."
Sean: "Shocking, poshitively shocking." *shakes head and walkshs away*
Maryam: "What an ass..."
Tim: "Never meet your Idols."
Working on it ;)
George: "Oi, Tim, that you Mate? Crikey! Ya look rooted me ol cobber."
Tim: "Eh, Hi George, long time no see."
George: "Bloody hell, ya look like a dero. How ya goin'?!"
Tim: "Well, that's a long story. When I was shooting my last Bond, Licence To Kill, Cubby caught me messing around with Barbara, got pissed at me and fired my ass after the movie was done."
George: "Holy dooley mate! Ya always were a little root rat haha. Can't blame ya, that sheila's hot!"
Tim: "Heh, yeah... Then he made up a whole story of how i left on my own and fed it to the press. And also told all his producer friends i was 'difficult'."
George: "I'll be stuffed. He made up the same furphy with me, bloody fair dinkum. Always told ya that Mongrel was all bout the Moolah!"
Tim: "Well, that's not even all of it. Then he told my wife about it, and she got a divorce lawyer who stripped me to the bone. I lost the house and shortly after, i ended up here."
George: ""F*ck Me Dead. Sounds like she left ya dryza dead dingo's donger. Fair suck o' the sauce bottle an' all that."
Tim: *Starts sobbing uncontrolably* "Since then i've been living from day to day. I just want my old life back. Bhuhuhu..."
George: "Ay don't be a sook mate, here - have a durry on me."
Tim: "Thanks George, you're a true friend..." *sniff*
George: "Ahh, cheers mate... *Checking out Maryam* Hey Spunk, so ya the cheese and kisses to this dag or what?"
Maryam: "Well, sort of, but not really... He has commitment issues since the divorce."
George: "Why ya hangin' out with this Dipstick? He hasn't got a Brass razoo. You're a good lookin' sheila - let me take ya back to the shed, throw ya on the workbench, and smash ya back out. I'm toeier than a Roman sandal!"
Maryam: "Haha, sure. Sounds fun."
Georg: "Bonza! See ya later mate, and don't be such a drongo. She'll be apples, no wuckers."
Maryam: "Bye Tim."
Tim: "Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..."
.................................................................................
This post is aussie-approved by the Federal Ministry of aussieness. Credit goes to @Qbranch for giving it a PWB like polish ;)
:))
=)) Let's see if I can ever use that line!
This one was great as well!
It was recently discovered that the movie that could have become Timothy Daltons 3rd outing as James Bond, was much deeper into production than thought before.
In a newly revealed image (above) we can see Timothy Dalton deep in preparation for the role.
Dalton, being a devoted actor, wanted to portray a different kind of Bond in his 3rd film. A Bond that had been fired from MI6, due to commiting treason in LTK, and who would not have been allowed to re-enter the UK. Hiding deep in some south American hellhole, Bond would have struggeled terribly from PTSD, Insomnia, years of Alcohol and substance abuse, depression, guilt, paranoia and various other psychological disorders, all at once.
Dalton had already stayed in character for three month by the time this picture was taken, calling it "the role of a lifetime".
The film, titled "No Reason to Live", would have seen a return of the mexican drug cartel, wanting revenge for the murder of Franz Sanchez and the disappearence of millions of dollars, as well as the return of a former Bond girl, Kara Milovy, now a world famous musician, who Bond would have sought out for help in his desparation.
Unfortunately all of this came to an end when MGM/UA and EoN went into a legal battle that would last for years.
Do your worst :))
"You FOOL! Those were the new cyanide pills!"
After setting Sanchez on fire, Pam gave Bond a lift in her truck. However, things were about to turn naaasty when they ran into no one else but Kara Milovy, who was on holiday in Isthmus and seemed to have lost her way (pictured: Bond reunited with Kara). They gave Kara a lift, but when Ms. Milovy got a little too friendly with her beloved 007, a jealous Pam left them both stranded in the middle of nowhere. Days later, Bond was found dead with motor oil in his stomach.
Kara was still alive, ready to claim her next victim.
-Not a chance.
-I'll pay for it.
-What with?
-Fifty dumb cellists.
Kara: "Just admit that we are lost and you have no idea where we are. I'll ask this guy over there for the direction to the hotel."
Bond: "Kara, we're south of the Border, this is a mans world. Let me handle this."
Bond: "Excuse-moi Seniór, we luko for el paso de la hotel imperial isthmus, por favor. Comprende?"
Stranger: "F**k you gringo!"
Bond: "Hm, i don't think he speaks any spanish..."
Kara: *facepalm*
Bond: "Penny, what the hell are you doing in Isthmus?"
Moneypenny: "I've been looking for you for three month! M is willing to take you back, but only under the condition that you never go rogue again and follow orders from now on.
...my god you smell like cheap beer and hookers, when's the last time you had a shower?"
Bond: "Yesterday... Wait, which day is it?"
Moneypenny: "Friday."
Bond: "F**k... Anyways, tell M he can stuff my orders! I like my new home, i made many friends here and i'm never coming back." *burp*
Moneypenny: "But James, England needs you!"
Bond: "So does... wait, what was your name again?"
Kara: "It's Kara you dipshit. Are you drunk again? That's it, I'm done! i didn't come all the way from Vienna for this. I'm flying home!"
"..."
Bond: "So Moneypenny... when did you say is the next flight to London?"
Moneypenny: *facepalm*
That comment sounded even better when I misread it as 'QBranch giving PWB a polish' ;)
I can totally relate to this - No lie, I actually burped just before reading that line (pizza and Coke for dinner)
No, what i meant was 'QBranch was giving it to PWB like a polish', which coming from a Pole like me is a big compliment.
Waiter: "Sir, i can't let you into our restaurant looking like this. We are a sophisticated establishment and we have certain Standards to uphold. I have to kindly ask you to leave."
Tim: "But i'm James Bond Motherf***er!"
Waiter: "I'm terribly sorry Sir, but i don't recognize you."
Tim: "Just google Timothy D... Ah, Brosnan... google Pierce Brosnan man. I'm f***ing famous..." *Starts wobbling and mumbling to himself* "I'm f***in famous man, wtf, i'm jamesh boohnd, bloody hell..."
Waiter: "Sir, i have to ask you to leave or i will have to call security. I wouldn't want to make a scene here."
Tim: "You want to embarrass me in front of my girl?! *Starts vomiting on the floor* Eh, don't mind that... I'm just making room for the food."
Maryam: *Facepalm*
Franz: "You were right again Bond, Dario that piece of shit betrayed me. He had a hundred kilos of MY cocaine stored in his bedroom!"
Bond: *sniff*"told ya."
Franz: "When I confronted him, that little puta started crying and told me he loved me over and over, can you believe that? I shot him right then and there."
Bond: "Heh..." *sniff*
Franz: "You have amazing instincts amigo, i swear to god, it's like you some kinda Fortune Teller. Just don't blow your brains out with all that coke. Who else do you think could betray me?"
Bond: "You should keep an eye out on Truman-Lodge, i suspect something's going on with him."
Franz: "Ok, hombre, i will... Is this your new hooker?"
Bond: "Ah, she's nobody..."
Kara: "Nobody? Dushka, i flew all the way from Bratislava to be with you. Shames, i love you..."
Bond: "Here, have some coke and be quiet already."
Kara: "I don't think that is a good idea."
Bond: "Don't think, just let it happen."
(Maryam): Excuse me, everyone! He is not feeling well. Is there a doctor in this room? Oh yes, and someone to give him a light and some more whisky. And someone who could iron his suit?
Many great captions that really made me crack up, though i have to give this one to @Thunderfinger for consistent quality in his many contributions.
Hard to pick a winner really, but just for the sake of it:
Over to you Thundy.