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"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
Nope, just ran into stuff that really made me laugh.
When I drink I am sure I am dead sexy and start hitting on other women than my wife, she kind of does not like that. Not sure why.
So, I do not drink anymore I am sticking to the soft stuff these days
"This is the pig I've been sleeping with" he says. "That's not a pig, it's a duck" the wife replies. "I wasn't talking to you" says the husband.
Then, one day, during his travels, he arrived at a small hamlet, nested in a valley surrounded by high mountains. And there, he met the most beautiful girl in the world. Knowing what her answer would be, he still asked her : "What do I have on my shoulder ?" And the girl answered : "It's a baker's shovel." Knowing by her answer that he had found the woman of his life, the sailor courted the mountain girl, and soon, wedding bells rang.
Came the wedding night. The couple was all set to go to bed, when the new bride asked her husband :
Bond is at the casino bar talking things up with a beautiful lady agent, but fiddling with his watch. She asks what he's doing.
"Oh, this is the latest gadget from Q Branch--a watch that gives me heightened detail for my surroundings. Can be very useful."
"So what's it telling you right now?" she purrs.
"Well, I can share that I know you're not wearing any panties," Bond whispers.
She giggles. "James, I can assure you I AM wearing undergarments, thank you."
OO7 taps the crystal of his watch in frustration. "Dammit, Q! Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
So what was the punchline?
...and doesn't.
The monks accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The final man to be questioned in heaven was "in this fridge minding his own business" (i.e. he was the one the first man was looking for).
He said 'go to hell'!
What a jerk! So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking!
"Can't you use your bell?" She said
"Yes" I replied. "But I can't ride my bike"
A white guy named Joe is in love with a woman named Wendy. He wants to propose to her. Rather than getting her an engagement ring, he gets her name tattooed to his penis. When he is erect, his penis spells out W-E-N-D-Y. When he is flaccid, his penis spells out W-Y.
Joe goes home, drops his pants and says "Wendy, I love you, will you marry me?" She happily obliges, and they get married. They decide to take their honeymoon on a nude beach in Jamaica.
On the beautiful nude beach, Joe decides to get a beverage from the beachside bar. He orders his drink, and watches the bartender - a Jamaican man who is also nude - fixes it up. Joe notices that the bartender also has a tattoo with "W-Y" on his penis.
"Well, look at that!" Joe says. "We both have wives named Wendy, and got their names tattooed to our dicks."
The Jamaican bartender looks at him in confusion and replies "That doesn't say 'Wendy', it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"
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Crazy how much our world has been formed by this little known but widely impactful syndrome.
Yes, we need to read that twice.
Laughed harder at your comment than at the joke, @Dragonpol. Nicely done. :))
Bump
There was ,in the 60's.
He used to undress every prostitute he killed,hence the name.